Tazered

Should have turned around

2010-08-31T08:35:00.000-07:00

I know the girl in the short sitting on the stairs. She's one in a kind that I am not fond of. But she looked sad, sort of vulnerable with that unsure look on her face. The kind of look that would have made me turn around and offer an ear to listen and a hug if it was needed. Its just a normal reaction I have to a face like that. But there is history there that would render any approach toward a friendly gesture as possibly vile.

But I back tracked just to see her. And then continued on again but thought to turn around, to be a single serving friend just once. I wonder right now: by not turning around to check on her, did I missed a chance at something. As vague as "something" may sound, I can imagine it to be a variety of different scenarios. Would she know who I am? If she did, would she just push me off because of her history or would she not let it bother her and accept a stranger's presence? I justified not stopping to help with the things that I know about her. The underlying deception that she once laid out before someone dear to me. I passed judgment but it was still on my heart that maybe that was the only chance I ever would have had to talk to this girl that peaks my curiosity. The only chance at a civil moment passed. Its my fault for judging though. What if those past events have been atoned for. I have no reason to hold anything against her. Thinking that, I wish I would have approached her. Failing only in knowing how I would react, not foreseeing her evaluation of the situation that she would have found herself in.

Traveling Student

2010-08-10T19:02:00.000-07:00

The six weeks have passed and now I have been back in the states for two weeks now. Being in Japan was a great time with old friends and even new faces. I miss those people and even though I got tired of reading the same stories over and over again, I love seeing the new understand of old stories on the reader's faces. It was a long six weeks but when I got home, it felt like I had not gone anywhere. Is that normal?

My thoughts are sparatic a the moment.

God really did a number to my understanding of trusting him. I felt like it was a adult lesson in a way. He healed my hand mostly. It dried out and cracked to where it hurt pretty bad and I talked to the missionaries daughter, Angela, and she talked to me about being healed. I decided I would try and trust God to heal me. Why had I never trusted him to do that before? I prayed for a few days and as my hand healed up from being cracked, it smoothed out. That the first time I had ever seen something done that personal in my life. Second, I knew that my job would be ending a few months after I got back home so I would have to start looking for a new one unless I wanted to go back to the computer labs. No thanks. So again, I prayed.

After starting the process and mind set to start a job search, I got a call from an old boss saying that he wanted to put my name in for another job that was coming up under someone else. Really? Alright then. I fixed up my resume, sent it in, and got a call the next day. I went in, and rather than an interview, they put me right on the schedule. I didn't do a thing but follow along with what God was working out. I can't tell you how much of awe I have for the power of prayer.

I know that in James, the Word says that if you pray with any doubt in you that it probably won't happen. It's saying that you need to believe in God's granting power to come though for you when you pray. Seek and you will find.

Its a wonderful lesson, and though I don't have the prayer life that I want at the moment, I plan on making it my best habit. I hope. No one is perfect right?

He's a pretty big and unfathomable guy. I have been blessed to travel this summer to Japan and Florida. So least to say, I have spent a great amount of flying. Being up in the clouds when the block the sun, viewing the forms that you can't see standing in your front yard, its a beauty I treasure. I like to think about heaven staring at the clouds and the sung rays. Things in heaven are the things that are unseen as we are told. How do we know that we aren't flying right though Peter and Paul visiting old friends or Paul walking with some of the people he persecuted, or having an angel fly along side of us laughing and making faces? I would love to be a part of that world.

.... "I Can Only Imagine" Just started playing.

I'm a happy girl.

<3 Aeriel

Maybe I have had my eye closed to some important things

2010-07-21T00:30:00.000-07:00

Miracles, prayer, and trust.

I know that God can work in mysterious ways but I don't think I have ever trusted him to do so. I just expected him to surprise me from time to time. Now that I think about that, I feel ashamed that I thought that way. The other day, I prayed that God would heal my hand and a week later, the rough spot I have had on my hand has started to go away. I have all intentions of giving credit to him even when I tell others and they are skeptical of what I say. "Maybe it just isn't active right now." but I trust that "Maybe God really does answer when you ask him for something".

But I'm left thinking, what about the others that pray for something and aren't healed, or delivered from something. Do I pass that off as not having enough faith? Of course not. God has his reasons, even when they confuse us and sometimes don't seem fair. Or maybe he is just taking longer to respond. He does that I hear. It took him, what, 400 years to deliver his people from slavery? Time has a different meaning to him, if it has any meaning to him at all.

Basically, with the thoughts I have had lately, I have been wondering if I have really been as close minded as I think I have been. In worship, prayer, trusting him to actually answer my prayer, etc. But it scares a Church of Christ kid such as myself to wander away from the conservative thinking. But I know that we weren't meant to hold ourselves back in how we worship and trust God. He sure has not held himself back in how he blesses us and works in us... and forgives us. Why would I be conservative in how I serve him? In how I trust in his word? In how I trust that he will come to show himself to people that are open to accept him? In the promise of eternal life?

I feel like holding myself back from taking that big step in my faith is a sin in itself. I don't want to play it safe. Then I think about the other people around me and fear what they would think if I actually took that leap (or step, or hop). I fear them pushing me away if I do such a thing. My parents, my friends, but not God. I know that if I opened up more to him that he wouldn't leave me vulnerable.

This is a reason why I love the UC. I have seen how real the students there want to be with their faith and how they support each other. If I can take that step, I will have family that will leap with me or already be across the jump waiting to help me find my footing. Pretty awesome.

I was talking with a missionaries daughter his in Japan, Angela, about how she was given the feeling of how God feels when the children worship him. He's so delighted. She knew that it was her turn to step it up in the children's worship that she leads at the church she attends. How amazing would it be to be so in tune with God that you are receptive to the messages he tries to send you everyday?!

Just a few things that I had on my mind today. Here's hoping I don't forget them tomorrow.

-Aeriel <3

Heart-Soul-Mind

2010-05-28T08:11:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer: I have not gone back to check grammar or to see how this flows. Good luck!

I've been looking into how I can step back into the front line of God's on going spiritual battle and realizing that I have three major components that need to be working together in order to be able to take one step after another to get there. From the greatest commandment in Matthew 22:37-39 We are called to love god with all our heart soul and mind. Which is harder than I realize because they are all connected and also easier than I am making it out to be if I were to trust God with every step I am trying to take. I've been there before but with how much I have gotten in to the world, its like I need to go through Rehab to try and learn to walk again. But I know this, God will be my Spiritual Therapist.

As I start to think about the heart, soul, and mind, I realize how connected mine are. I can think to myself what I need to do to get something done but with out the motivation and passion from my heart, and yearning for purpose from my soul, my thoughts have no force. the emotions from my heart cause my mind to be over powered and so my soul is confused. Like scripture says, guard your heart for it is the well spring of life. So I picture these three lining up like children do in elementary school. The Heart is the first in line. followed by the mind and then by the soul. The heart is the easiest to be affected by and so needs the most guarding and if the heart and mind are not in sinc, then the soul is confused. This allows follows with my distress about my faith. I have done little to protect my heart from the influences around me but my mind is staying tuned to the teaching I have grown up with so my soul is more or less lost between the two, however, as they become disconnected, I find comfort knowing that God is holding me in those times.

I have done little to keep these three things in line but now that school is not strangling my schedule, I have more free time to relax and let the more important things float to the top of my day dreams. Needless to say, I haven't had my priorities straight all semester.

All this is coming out due to the excitement of being in Japan and away from my life in Stillwater. Stepping out of Stillwater, I get to take just myself over to a place where the only purpose I have is to serve God and his sheep and maintain my health through eating and sleeping. Its the best spiritual rehab I could ask for. Though I am there to serve, I know that I will be transformed from the service so its getting two birds with one stone.

Listening to my thoughts as they are being typed out, I don't feel very selfless...
___________

I listened to my campus minister, Matt Mills, give a message on "Shadow Boxing". My mind jumped to a shadow box that you put memorabilia into and hang on a wall but I was wrong when he described his topic as the punching of the air to prepare for a boxing match. He compared this to being a christian struggling with sin. You're in the shadows fighting with nothing but yourself all the while, you could be in the light fighting a battle bigger than yourself. By shadow boxing with your sins, and getting nowhere, stepping into the light allows for forgiveness so you can step past them and start helping others that need it by spreading the light to other places.

He pulled up the passage that talks about lighting a lamp. When you light one, you don't put it under a bed or cover it up, you place it where everyone can see it to shine and expose the dark places so nothing is hidden from sight.

I'm not sure who will ever read this but I don't want to hide my thought. Getting them out allows me to be true to myself and help me work through things that I would still have jumbled in my head. I usually think of a magician pulling a string of flags out of his hat: before they are shown tot he audience, they are crammed together in the hat but as they are pulled out one by one, you see them individually.

Light is to righteousness as darkness is to sin. If you are committed to shining His light, there will not be room for darkness because as I previously stated, light exposes the darkness. This brings me to another topic that i heard discussed on Wednesday when I sat with a group of amazing followers of Christ. The topic was commitment which lead to defining passion. Whatever your passion is, you usually have little trouble committing to it as we discussed. But emotion and passion are two different things but they go hand in hand with each other. The best example i have is soccer and porn. A soccer player doesn't always want to go to practice but does because they have a passion for the sport. Their emotions can be love for playing and irritation for practicing but the passion remains the same. As for those that are addicted to porn, they wouldn't passionately tell everyone that the watched porn or looked at it but they are emotionally wrapped up in it because its an addiction. Which brings me back to the heart, mind, and soul. Faith and being a follower requires passion and emotion and a little more, your soul. The words "earnest" and "desire" go well together when I think of actively following Christ. An earnest desire to follow Christ is just a peaceful and beautiful thought to me.

I'm lead to the thought of the scripture that talks about storing your treasures in heaven because where your treasure is, there your heart will also be. It goes on to say that the treasures of the world will waste away but those of heaven will be ever lasting. If my heart is in heaven, how much easier is it to protect it from the world which is wasting away! ^__^

All of this feels good to write out but it does me no good unless I practice what I preacher so to speak. I have a growing desire to be back in the front of the line where all the action is taking place. Where to sweat on your brow feels good and you sleep heavy because you have done good work. I have a strong feeling Japan will be where my Rehab starts but where I find myself back on the front line at the end of six weeks when it time to come home and face the real world.

That's all my thought for now.

-Aeriel <3

questions.

2010-03-29T12:22:00.001-07:00

Why would a ten year old find a lucky penny and hold on to it for years hoping it would bring him luck?

Why does a son or daughter hide things from their parents hoping to avoid punishment?

What manner should a friend forgive another friend when hurt feeling still linger?

Why do we wish for things beyond the rainbow?

What makes something tasty to one person but nasty to another?

Can two people who don't speak the same language truly fall in love with each other?

Do animal crackers always make every 5 year old that much happier on a rainy day?

Does our first love ever be out measured?

What age do we first feel love and what age do we actually understand it?

Does God exist? How do we know for sure?

Does Hell warrant fear from those who don't believe in God?

Can a puppy melt your heart even when you have a great companion of 17 years before her passing?

Should Hell warrant fear from those that DO believe in God?

Why would God send a good person to Hell just because they didn't have the understanding of Him while on this earth? Wasn't he meant to not be comprehended?

Does a light breeze across your face make you think of peace?

Am I the only who thinks of good luck when I see a red Cardinal?

How many kisses is to many kisses in one day?

Do we ever really fall out of love or just learn to live without that person in our lives?

If we drag our self down a path that is so far from God that we don't know how to bring ourselves back, will he find a way to release us or will he simply wait for us to find our own way out?

Will we always end up as our parents and marry the person of the opposite sex that resembles our parents?

Loving Arms

2010-02-16T12:58:00.000-08:00

:: Loving Arms::

"It was then that I carried me?" She asked...

"Yes my dear, it was then that I carried you. I saw your thoughts change. I felt your hand loosen and then saw you let go. My little girl trying to stand on her own. You know so little about what can happen when you walk by yourself and hit a rock and find your face in the dirt. Daughter, I have loved you since before anyone else knew you. I took my time making you strong and intelligent and compassionate. You are my precious one. As a Father, I took it upon myself to see you through all that was to come your way, taking the good and the bad, unconditionally loving you and seeing you as unmarred and untainted each morning. The way I see you shall never change.

Knowing that you had to learn this on your own, I stood here and waited for you to turn back and run into my arms. Though it saddens me every time I see you make a decision without using the knowledge I have taught you, my love for you will never be affected by the mistakes or successes that you have. I could never love you less. I could never love you more.

Sweet one, do you hear what I say to you?

You decided to try your hand at this without my wisdom. I stood by watching. You said the words I knew you would say but hoped you wouldn't. You fell apart as I anticipated to happen and I then walked over and kissed my baby girl's face as I picked you up to carry you away from the mess you were in. I held you tight when it hurt the most. sitting down with you in my arms, rocking you to peace as you told me all about what I already knew.

Daughter, I forgive you. Love, I forgave you long before this happened. Angel, I have forgotten what it was you ever did to make you feel this way.

What is it that I can do for you? Please tell me. When do you want me to act? How do you want things done? Who do I take care of for you until you heal enough to walk by my side again. Shh. Don't answer because I actually already knew. I was there, remember? Let me love you and hold you until you understand how much you mean to me. Understand my dear one, that I will do things how I see fit but whatever I do, I do for the benefit of you, for other's, and for myself. Giving a balance back to what was lost.

When you decide to do this again, if you decide to do this again, know that I am your Father and a Father who loves his children shows them discipline to strengthen their spirits. Not to punish you out of resentment. I am capable of anger, wrath even, but I am the true definition of love. Know one will ever have a greater understanding of who you are, of what you are capable of, of how things affect you. Not even yourself.

Holding you now, I have you close so listen well. Guard your heart. Think twice, no three times before you make a decision without consulting me. Love those around you. Show them the love that I have always shown you. Give without expecting anything back because I will always make sure you don't go without. And trust in all the directions I give you.

Now, in this moment, I give you a band aid to help heal an protect that which hurts right now. I give you the love that was always yours. I give you my word and within my word, you will find all that you need to live a life where I am always right beside you or rather just a call away. Have faith in me for I have faith in you and carry that faith with you always.

To a Father, a baby girl will grow up, but will always remain his baby girl of whom he raised and will always look out for. I will catch you when you fall again. Dearest, I will carry you then, again, like I carry you now.

Broken hearted or scorned, shamed or helpless, weak or meek, lonely or sad, depressed or afraid, in all situations you will know the warmth of my arms.

My beloved, yes, it was in that moment that I carry you."

********

Prayer is a special thing. A way of finding healing, peace, understanding, grace, joy, and rest amongst a number of other things. When I take part in prayer, there are the rare and special times I fell and know that my Father is meeting me where I am at and placing his arms around me. He knows what I have come to tell him and he know what I need help with. A wonderful feeling if there ever was one. I lean on His unending love now like its all I've got and in big way, that's true because when this world is no more, His love will always remain. I thank my Father for His love that has been the cause for his to give me so much. I'll end with that thought.

<3>

The Stop Light

2010-01-22T06:43:00.000-08:00

Red. Yellow. Green

Red holds the power to be a great leader. Followers stop at its presence, out of respect. Even though here are a few that wish to show no honor to the red light, it in turn does nothing for punishment (thought here are others that will bring the punishment in the name of red light).

Yellow feels like a girl that is only wanted for her looks, not her brains. She knows how to take things slow and advises others to do so. She fears that most of the time her advice goes unheeded and that others only slow down to watch her make way for Red. There are the few that speed past her out of shyness. She knows how beautiful she is and that some do not wait for her out of fear.

Green is the unappreciated friend that sees all that the world holds but has no way of sharing its wisdom with the rest of humanity. We rush past Green with no intention of respect or admiration. Even after all the years of passer-bys, Green still seems to hold an air of optimism as he continues his job with out fail, allowing Yellow to maintain her place above him and Red to continue his hearty reign.

Left-Right Game

2009-12-01T07:18:00.000-08:00

There is a game that was created for times in Stillwater when there is nothing left to do but drive around. The goal of the game is to get lost or stumble upon something new and interesting by taking impulse left and right turns down the back roads of the town. Last year during Christmas break, Erin and I went off to do just that (only after discovering that all the pool tables in town were occupied). A good 10 minute game brought us to one of the lakes west of town. Even though it was 10:30 something and right at freezing, we decided to park at a doc and and explore our surroundings. The result was a two minute walk to the end of the dock and back before we were chilled through our coats. No imagination left, we climbed back in to Erin's "Beast" and decided to head home.

Climax of the story: The gravel lot that we had parked in had four sides: the dock in front of us, forest-like trees on either side of the dock, and the road behind us. Backing out of the 20x20 yard lot, the truck's lights slowly flashed across the passenger side of the lot to get the truck facing the road again. With nothing else to look at but the lights in the black-as-pitch scenery, I watched the lights move across the trees, seeing something that shouldn't have been there. Frantic, I requested that Erin run the truck back to the trees because I wanted to know what I had seen. She did so and we were faced with four men, looking to be in their 20's, standing about 15-20 feet from where we had been parked. Reminder: we are out in the middle of nowhere. for the longest 3-4 seconds of my life, we evaluated what was before us and unanimously stated that it was time to go. Gravel flew and we were back in Stillwater faster than you can say "Ol' Yeller's been shot".

Easy enough to say that it was the most thrilling part of the horribly long break. Erin and I were in agreement that if we had stayed 20 seconds more, another story would have been told or maybe not even a story we would have been around to tell. I was left with frightened tears and a whirlwind of thoughts. How many more times have we all avoided danger not knowing it? More than I should probably be aware of. Was it God's hand that moved us out of harms way? Yes. Stupid question.

The Left-Right games is what I've been doing with my life the past month. Close your eyes and make a turn here, then here, then here... Before I know it, I'm all turned around with questions of what to do now. Major options, career goals, life aspirations. I've been seeking council on them all from a number of unrelated people. And then all the advice runs together in my head and I'm left with a headache. Researching all options and hitting dead ends = more stress. Just trying to locate the answer that I desire has left me in the middle of a crossroads.

I know that there are things that are not being given to be right now because I couldn't handle them if I had them. For this I am thankful. I want to be stable spiritually before I enter into certain things (ie relationships, travel plans, life altering decisions). Burdens, some what. Just trying to remember to not to stress of them because as dad always quotes to me "All things work for the good for them that love the Lord." He's a wise man. My aunt gave me words of encouragement a few days ago that spurred a sense of peace in the place where all the stress had been residing. Also reminding me how precious family is...

I think its fairly simple goal of mine to raise a family in the church, have a career that can support me and mine, while livging in a not so big town/city with some animals for recreation. Three or four kids, grandparents that spoil the kids more than their parents, a pumpkin on the front porch in the fall, tree up for Christmas, Easter baskets in the spring.

"And its good to be unsatisfied. It keeps the faith and hope a little more alive." -Last Amen by Down Here

A young lady in my life group reminded me that God answers prayers and that "no" is indeed an answer. The direction of life may not be known but the journey will continue with hope and the truth that His hand, ear, and love is never far. So rather than playing this game of mine and putting myself in harm's way, here's trying my best at living only for him so everything else falls into place.

In Him (rather than out there),
-Aeriel <3

Rgr!! Which means Roger?

2009-11-02T03:50:00.000-08:00

These days are now the days of November. In which there is good food and the promise of a semester end approaching.

First note of business: Phone calls

Since a certain friend of mine insists of calling more than texting, I've come to appreciate the importance of a voice over the phone once again. I'd rather call someone and talk for 5 or 10 minutes than text for 4 hours. Its more personal and thoughtful. Even though my parents text now, I still find myself calling my mom most everyday. She's mom after all. Everything goes through her for consideration and opinion.

Second note of business: Priority

As the week rolled on, there was no time to do anything but homework or tiptoe around homework and studying. Work, class, and church was all I could do with the time that God had put in my day. Not to say that is a bad thing but there was not even a free moment to pull out the guitar and practice. What I will dub as the bad part is that I don't even fill I got anything accomplished. Sad was the day that I mentally cried over my week because it seemed that nothing credible had been done.

Its even Monday morning of the next week and I'm updating my blog rather than preparing for my presentation later today. Go figure.

Third note of business: Revelation!

Leading a life group with Erin has showed me much about responsibility, reliability, and servitude. Its a job but a blessing all in the same to host these girls this semester. Each week, we call them to remind them and check up them. They make one feel like you're actually doing something good by coming together to talk about the Lord and how to serve. My revelation would be that no matter what I do, God's plan will continue on its way. Not that I'm trying to alter it. I'm trying to do everything on my own but His plan comes and puts me where he wants me regardless. With these girls in life group. The family at the UC. My family in Japan etc.

This weekend was a good one. Especially Sunday. All day in the house by myself to clean, watch a movie and attempt to study. Peaceful. Happy. Good.

Later days
Aeriel~

Midnight Coffee Break

2009-10-16T22:44:00.000-07:00

Its one of those rare nights where I sit here in my room and ponder and reflect on my life. Things in my head right now, the evening that I just experienced on this eve of Homecoming, the past two week of my school and spiritual life, and the voice that I have in head...the one that narrates everything I do. Nights like these are rare only because I don't find myself alone like this. Thing is, I like the alone time every now and then. God and I sit and have a cup of coffee if you will and discuss things (mental image mostly for my own benefit).

So, as I mentioned, there was an eventful evening that just took place. At 5pm, I had planned to buy dinner for a few friends that were not having a good week. Just playing the good friend role. Next, what campus calls Walk-Around, I attended with a few UC friends. I love seeing people and running to hug a familiar face so I had a blast, minus the fact that I was a little self conscious about some things. Anyhow, when we had finished sight seeing, there were plans to watch the Proposal...which got moved to my place. I'll just say that watching a movie with Kylor, is entertaining for the most part. After the movie ends, everyone was making there way out the door when Juno, my -awesome- dog, high tails it out the door. The guys freak out and won't listen to me when I say that he will come back so I chase them as they chase Juno. Long story short, as soon as they give up, Juno walks up to the door and comes in on his own accord. As I said, -awesome- dog!

Anyhow, following my wisdom teeth surgery two weeks ago, there was a lot of barrier breaking. Meaning that I lit the fire under my rear and got through a week of three tests, papers, and more tedious homework. I felt quite accomplished, least to say. But...then I went and hung out with some friends and realized that I wasn't all that focused in the right area. Thanks to a great Fall UC retreat, God showed himself to me in a completely different light. And even more so during the week as he reminds me of the three weeks spent in Japan. Mikyo e-mailed me

"Good morning Kalin. How are you this morning? You asked me this question when I took your lesson. Do you remember that? I didn't mind morning before you question. But now, I feel happy every morning. Thank you for telling me that the morning is wonderful."

I read this and my jaw dropped. I'm a female so of course I got teary-eyed and all emotional. How could I not? I'm thinking to myself: So you mean to tell me that because I read with Miyko, and asked her this question a few times, she wakes up every morning and is happy?? God, you did that all from a question? What more have you done in these people's hearts that I don't know of from us being in Japan? What are you doing with the other words that I speak to people now?...what is Satan doing with them? I'm in awe of what He can do.

Concerning the voice in my head, it keeps bringing up the subject of inadequacy and other troubling thought and the different ideas of major options but mostly my love for Agriculture. I'm my own worst critic and analyze everything that everyone does till people start to do thing in my head that they never did in reality. This creates some confusion due to the fact that people act against the ways that I have constructed for them in my head. I don't know how to act when this happens. So I construct something else....which is something we just talked about in my Sociology class called Social Interaction Theory. Good stuff. I mentioned the inadequacy thought because I know why this is in my head. Ready for it? Its because I can't READ MINDS...contrary to unpopular belief. So I have to take what I do to be the reason why other respond and act the way they do around me. Form this has come the lack of interaction that I've had socially lately. This all means one thing: I think to much!! HA!

A number of other things took place with this e-mail that kept me looking to God the past few weeks. A facebook message from the speaker at the retreat, things people have said in passing, the fact that life continues when others don't (Roo loosing her calf), family taking care of family and so on. In my head, I keep evaluating all the different situations. Then I end up blogging for an hour -__-...

Happy is the word that I would use to describe things right. I got a conversation that was long over due, off my heart. The fact that nothing is more important that God and Heaven has stopped me from worrying over classes more than I should. Oh and every time I turn over a new thought, my parents are standing right behind me. I'm on my own but they still keep me held So yeah.. Happy.

I will end this here and rest my head for the night.

Peace and fun times,
Aeriel

No, I don't have a cold.

2009-09-21T06:43:00.000-07:00

**Started on Monday and finished Friday**

Its another Monday here on the wet campus. The sun is out, students are in class, and here I sit at work answering phones...

This past week, I had a head or many colors. From something near my natural color, to a -dark- brown-ish red, to just plain red because I stipped the dark brown, to the one I currently have: a medium brown with a bit of red. For once in my life though, I was able to say that I had red hair like the Little Mermiad that I was so lovingly named after. "Part of Your World" could have been the theme song of the day and I would have been ok with that.

This past weekend was indeed a fun one. On Saturday, three friends and I went to Tulsa for my first Anime con. This was long awaited for a few years. Getting up in the morning, I decided to wear my Yukata (summer kimono) which turned out to be an idea loved by most all the other anime nerds that were there. After making it out to Erin's to get another Yukata for Jeniffer, the Saturday gang (Will, Liz, Jeniffer, and myself) went to McDonalds for breakfast, and then back to the apartment to eat and get Jeniffer dresses, we were on our way.

We were doing great until we hit the detour from the construction on the interstate. Instead of just following the directions that we obtained from mapquest.com, we ended up about a mile out of the way on another stretch of interstate. Here, we stopped and discussed our options. At this point, I remembered that I had AT&T Navigation on my phone which turned out to save the day. After figuring where we were at, the information was put into the phone and we headed in a promising direction once again. Between the detour and the arrival at the convention center, there was a slight run together of two vehicles. Yes...meaning that there was a wreck. Will's car and anther ladies bumped bumpers and a hood was warped but no one was hurt.

We were a little cautious coming into the convention center, I will admit, but after we saw so awesome cos plays (costume plays - people dressing up as favorite characters), we let loose and enjoyed ourselves. Liz, who was dressed up as Spike from Cowboy Beebop, and Will who was just some awesome character from an anime I can't recall bold carried stage guns and got a lot of looks and compliments while Jeniffer and I were commented on the entire day at random.

So four hours pass and we've gone through all the vendors three times and watched an hour worth of amv's and more...its time to go. and lucky for us, its dinner time. Vote taken, we head to Olive Garden and enjoy a scrumptious meal before sleeping (at least Jeniffer and I anyhow) our way back to Stillwater.

Waking up the next morning, I went to church with my friend Teri and drove to the city to tour the omniplex for a few hours and eat out as well. All in all, it was a good weekend!

** Updated 9/25

Now the week has passed and its Friday morning. The highlight of the week would probably be the squirrel that took its time to talk to Juno and I on our morning walk, eating with my parents, and getting more Claritin so that it doesn't sound like I have a cold when I'm not the phone at work.

In just a few short hours, I will be leaving Stillwater to head to Fort Worth Texas for yet more LST training. I think by now, I'm use to the long road trips. At least its nothing compared to the 13 hour plane ride :)

God bless,

Aeriel <3

Lack of a Windshield Whipper

2009-09-10T12:56:00.000-07:00

Back in the first week of school, when the rain always decided to grace Stillwater, my whipper motor ceased to do its duty of removing the rain from my windshield. Because of this, I have been driving around town with little to no vision of what it looks like outside. I have made it safely through but with out a clear view that comes from the assistance of the under appreciated whipper, driving has been a bit scary and, at times, kept me from driving to a needed destination.

This is to be said about life before this week as well. Actually, like up until Monday night. While walking though each day, the confusion has been so distracting, it was most like the windshield I have had to see though the past few weeks. And for the simple fact that my faith hasn't been as present in my mind because of all the stress, my whipper, or my Father, had a hard time helping me keep my path clear of temptation. It was frustrating to know that God was so close, yet I was far from him. Key word: was. Life has started to settle back down and the daze of the new semester is no more.

Last night, Wednesday night, after praise service and dinner at Braums, I took my skateboard and proceeded to practice in the parking lot with what my friend Nick had showed my earlier that day. After about an hour, I decided to try my luck on campus, noting that it was already about 10:30pm. So I boarded down to Library lawn and messed around there until it started to sprinkle. At this time, I made my way to the nearest computer lab to set out for a bit and rest. Which wasn't for long... I still needed sleep.

After numbing my brain with facebook and then more facebook, I decided I might meet up with my panda bear and rest my head. Out the door I stepped. Wishing I hadn't. It was pouring a flood in front of my previously dry sidewalk. So, with out a jacket nor, phone, or umbrella, I hoped back on the board and headed home only to stop half way under some cover to talk and listen to God. Least to say, I made it back home in time to get 8 hours of sleep.

Lessons learned:

-Only skate when there is decent weather about and its before 10pm.

-Ask and you shall receive and you will notice it if you remember what you asked for.

-Thunder makes a good companion to prayer.

-And momma always has the warmest arms and the best advice.

Heres to a blessed life and glory to Him,

Aeriel <3

When I am weak, I am strong

2009-08-20T12:30:00.000-07:00

** First week of school**
The outlook of this semester keeps changing. Its forecasts were partly cloudy on Mondays with a slight chance of free time but now, not so much. Tuesday seemed to promise a bit more sunshine for the weeks to come but by 2pm that afternoon, the radar showed a group of storm clouds blowing in from the east.

As Wednesday morning come upon the hour or midnight, i laid down to rest for a bit. Note the lack of the word sleep here. On this day, I was to baby sit, go to three classes, and then to work at the Help desk with church following that. As it was also to be 80's day, I thought it might be alright all dressed up and having fun. But when Lillie arrived in the morning, so did the rain, literally. So I pulled on a hat, grabbed my bags and Lillie's hand and headed out the door with my umbrella over my head.

I'm enrolled in 17 hours of class, and working 26 plus hours a week between two jobs. Besides my two intro classes (Psychology and Sociology, I'm in Elementary to Japanese, Acts: The Early Church, and Statistics for Social Sciences 2053. I'm also leading life group on Monday nights at 8pm. Not to mention becomes a Team Lead at the Student Union computer lab last week. With in the last four days of class, I have already had two Sugar Daddy's. This being a highly sweet, frozen coffee drink that one can get in the Student Union a t Java Dave's. I love the taste and it's made me a bit happier as I walk around this wet campus in the mornings.

**Week Two**
Continuing from where I left off, I had a good weekend. Was productive enough to get my bed set up and my room organized more that it was (meaning that clothes aren't all over the floor anymore). Worked a few hours and swam out at the lake for a bit with Ryan, Erin, Josh, and Liz from the UC. Watched movies with the movie gang. But besides all that, I had a really good conversation with my dad about God and where God is.

We had rented the movie fireproof one weekend before school started and spent a few weeks contemplating it. This weekend when I went home to visit with my dad, he and I talked for quite so time about things that were sort of bothering me and how I was dealing with them. It was the most peaceful time I had had all wee long. One thing I talked to him about was that I had been struggling spiritually to keep for the focus of my life instead of work and school. At this point, he brought up the movie fire proof. The scene of the wife finding the book.

Wife: I've read it. It goes for forty days. What day are you on?
Husband: Forty-three...

My dad "When I was watching that part and her husband said that, I couldn't help but think 'What day is God on with me?' Kalin, what day is God on with you?"

I don't recall saying anything at that moment. Just soaking in the wisdom of my father that was reclining in his old chair before me.

What day is God on with me? How long has he been doing these wonderful things for me to get my attention so I turn fully to him. I do claim him as the love of my life after all. He's like a husband trying to ensure that my marriage to him doesn't fall apart but rather grow stronger and us closer together. But he's not my husband, he's my father. A father who will not let go nor leave my side till the end of this earth.

I left my home with an old familiar warmth in my heart.

The rest of the week was stressful and frustrating with a few good memories with friends in the mix. Ryan had his birthday on Wednesday and Liz and I fixed him a cake. There are also a number of new freshman that I think I will soon count as close friends. It was not all bad but it sure was full of trials. I'm alive and kickin though so that somethin.

**Start of week Three**

So, now to the present. The UC hosted the annual freshman/sophomore advance this weekend in which Liz and I attended. And let me tell you, after the time I've had lately, it was time to take a break and just remember exactly who God is. The lessons that were taught over the course of about 20 hours were many. How to look to our heavenly Father as our north star. Being strong christian sisters that stand shoulder to shoulder. Life is going to be an obstacle to work though and will drag you down if you let it but if you have the strength and focus of God, you will make it though just fine. God should not be first in your life but rather the Only in your life. And others that were more personal.

Along with the whole "love God thing" :), there was a great amount of bounding time for the freshman and sophomores. As I did last year, I stayed up later than the majority of the campers to play Egyptian War with my new friends. This was of course, our second game only after a round of clue. Least to say, we were some of the last ones to get up in the morning.

Enough explanations for now. There's almost to much to read. I'll finish with this, I had a great weekend and I am ready to balance my life now with the aid of my faith in my God, and those that I love and whom also love me. I have been weak but its only then that I can truly be strong for He becomes my strength. Glory be to Him alone.

Thanks for all the prayers and encouragement.

-Aeriel <3

Juno: Dog Gone It

2009-08-11T11:44:00.000-07:00

He woke me up this morning to go for a walk. It was nice. Just walking down the side walk in morning Stillwater. We stopped to talk to a neighbor and then continued on our way. While walking with him, I could help but think the amount of loyalty he's shown me. He left me the other day and I ran desperatly after him praying that I could bring him back home. He did after I circled the block after him. We didn't have much trouble after that untill a few days later when he decided to just leave one morning on my way to work. I didn't have time to argue and stop him this time. It was a stressful day but I found him waiting at my truck for me when work was over. He was so happy to see me and it looked like he had a rough day. We put this behind us pretty easily.

Now he greets me when I come home everyday. He comes to sit at your side when there are tears though you have a roommate for comofrt as well. He's always by my side when I need him and he keeps the boogey man away. I love how he always answers the door before I do too. He's a little stand-offish at times with new people but if I like the person he soon will too.

The other night watching movies, I had to keep him in my room because he kept trying to distract everyone from the movie we were watching but he calmed down a bit. I think this relationship is going to work out just fine.

I love my dog, Juno.

Aeriel <3

2009-08-03T07:04:00.000-07:00

This weekend:

-Learned to clean windows with a swiffer mop
-Moved Corwin into his new house
-Lost a couch in an intersection on the way to Corwin's house
-Cleaned my apartment for move in the next day
-Ate birthday cake for a friends birthday I almost missed
-Long talk with my brother-in-law about life and all that it entails
-Church Sunday morning
-Moved myself into my place with the help of some amazing friends
-Moved Liz in as well
-Changed something about myself
-Lost a bit of sleep
-Prayed to God with Liz before bed

Now I'm at work and its 9 am. I'm thinking about the health of my dad, my brother-in-law, my child hood friend Jesse, and of myself as well. There is a lot on my mind. More so than normal and I'm almost a little scared to see how things will play out. If you read this, please keep the three people I mentioned before myself in your prayers.

In Him,

Aeriel <3

Epic Summer Daze

2009-07-29T12:37:00.000-07:00

My generation has become all so fascinated with the words "epic" and "fail" and so everything that you do is either extremely epic or a fail. Or my favorite, an "epic fail". Epic has become a part of my daily vocabulary because of this and due to this, I vaguely remember perdicitng my summer to be the Epic Summer of 2009.As summer is drawing to a close in roughly two weeks, I look back and it seems my perdiction came true.

Starting in May, i left to go over 6,500 miles from Stillwater to go to Oigawa, Japan. For three weeks, I was blessed to read with the people there and experience the culture that I had been facinated with for many years of my youth. I made deep friendships with a few of the people there. Some who were apart of Chirst's family and some who were not.

I returned home in the first couple of weeks of June. The very next day that I was back, I returned to work, working 35-40 hours a week all summer. Work during the day and either church, parents, or friends in the evenings. I've stayed busy all summer and its flown by faster than I realized.

After 11 days home, I was given a surprise 19th Birthday party by my high school friends though I was the one that told them I wanted a party in the first place. it was the first time all summer that everyone was together under the same roof. For a few hours, we shared stories, played games and ate the cake that Ms. Ashley Wilson baked for me. I felt extremely loved when it was all over.

The past two weekends, I've floated the Illinios river. My first time to do so i might add. The first weekend was with the UC friends. We camped (first time to camp also haha) on the river side Saturday night and the proceeded to float the next morning. My favorite part was seeing people that had been absent from my life gathered around a camp fire singing familiar songs that are close to my heart. Each person holding a different kind of friendship with me with memories to boot. While circling the campfire, we kept the tradition of making smores. Stick in my hand, I proceeded to roast a marshmellow but ended up coating the side of my knee with it resulting with me sporting a small burn. Sunday morning, Monty read to us, we went to the Father in prayer, and we sang praises while taking communion. All in all, the trip was a blast.

The following weekend, I returned to the same place for a day trip of a six hour float of the river with co-workers and friends. We sure met some interesting people but I was able to get to know my new friends a bit better. Listening to the radio, doing the macarena, and bubbles ^___^. In the picture on the right you have Shelly, Mattie, Liz (roommate), and myself.

Now its come up to the last five days at the house I grew up in. I'm filled with excitement and anxiousness about the year to come. I've led a blessed life with loving parents and awesome sisters while at Jenkins Family Farms but I've chosen to venture out on my own. I've grown in to a person I'm proud to be though I have so much more growing to do. These next two weeks are going to be just as exciting as watching a bug zapper (as i have done twice this summer already and yes, it was entertaining). By the time summer is all over on Sunday August 16th, I'll be left in a summer daze, wondering where the time went while not wanting to go to class, bouncing in the UC lobby, watching movies with friends on Friday nights...

Its all going to be so "Epic"! I can't wait!! :D

~Aeriel <3

Happy to Be Alive

2009-07-17T08:46:00.000-07:00

Happy to Be Alive

You are my sunshine
day come and day go
My hand held tight
Story from long ago

Seek thy father
Contrite spirit living in me
Bow your head
Come on bended knee

Time will always pass
Storms may cloud the sky
But through salvation be saved
Live in Christ and never die

Sunshine breaks through azure
Rising each morning given as a blessing
You meet us here on earth
Guiding us to our final place of resting

Strength when I am weak
Grace from up above
Lover of my soul
Mercy as gentle as a dove

Faithful friends
Loving families
Beauty to behold on your creation
I stand in awe of You

-Vanercy (my pen name)

"Sunny with a High of 75
Since You took my heavy heart
And made it light
And its funny how you find
You enjoy your life
When you're happy to be alive."

-High of 75 by Relient K

Home is where the heart is...

2009-07-13T17:39:00.000-07:00

Dad, while watching an old western: "Them's Hollywood Indians. You know, Creek, Cherokee, and Hollywood..."

I'm use to this sense of humor being around my house and I have adopted it as my own when I first started wearing brithces. I love my dad. Momma too. For as much as I love them, things are changing again. Mom got a job over an hour away and dad already works 30 minutes that away so it very logical to move closer to their jobs.

I made the decision to move out about Christmas time and now its looking like it was suppose to happen that way. Or at least it does as I'm evaluating things now. For as much excitement as I have right now to have my own place, I'm going to miss the late night kisses and the several "Good nights." that my parents and I give each night. There is a song called Butterfly Kisses and the feelings I have right now make the think of the lyrics..

There's two things I know for sure
She was sent here from heaven
And she's daddy's little girl
As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes
And I thank God for all of the joy in my life
Oh but most of all...

Oh with all that I've done wrong
I must have done something right
To deserve a hug every mornin'
And butterfly kisses at night...

I couldn't ask God for more than this is what love is
I know I've got to let her go but I'll always remember
Every hug in the mornin' and butterfly kisses...

The random quilts thrown at me because dad got bored with the commercials that are on an decided to pester me until his show came back on. The taddling (spelling?) that we do on each other when the one won't stop picking on another. Mom and I's trips to Walmart which start off with me not wanting to go but end up with me talking the entire time. Dad's ever so long but wise talks. The little things that make my house a home...

It was like this when my middle sister moved out and even harder when my oldest sister moved out. My middle sister was my roommate and I adjusted well when she left to go to Ardmore with Charlie. What I found to be shockingly more of a challenge was Sherrita moving down to Ardmore shortly after Jamie did. Being so much a like but having a 10 year age difference, we fought a lot. Odd thing was, I missed my fights with her. It was a twisted way of showing the other that we cared enough to take the time to argue. A few months later and I was fine but the change was intense none the less.

Now I'm facing moving out. I'm not going to be able to see all the random things that happen on the farm nor be able to pester my dad when I get bored like he does me. And that's going to be even more of a change because I didn't think that my parents would be moving too. I figured I could crash at home when I wanted and go home to mooch off them when I felt like it. Home would still be home. Even when I found out where my mom would be working, I didn't think of what that might mean. Even if we keep the house in Stillwater, Stillwater won't quite be as much as my "home" IF and when my parents move. Home is where the heart is and my family is where my heart is.

Growing up here in Stillwater and then going to OSU here was surreal. This is because my friends and fellow classmates didn't really "live" here (with the exception of a few) and so they would "go home" over the weekend and over breaks, leaving me here to entertain myself. I was already home. Even more so since I was blessed to live with my parents my freshman year. I thought I was taking a step to being a "normal" college student by moving out. I was ready for a step...not a leap.

Again, as I stated earlier, home is where the heart is and we are called to focus our hearts on heaven. "Where your treasure is, so your heart will be...". So I guess if I wanted to shut myself up, I could go with actual truth and say I don't have a home here on earth because my real home is in heaven where my Father and Savior dwell.

*Sigh* I know everything happens for a reason and everything always seem to fall right into place. His plan is flawless of course and my family and I are richly blessed to have always been taken care of. This I am so very thankful for. If anythings happens on my parents in, I don't think it would happen for at least six months, but the thought is still there.

School will be starting soon, and with it, basically a new way of life. If things change the way I think they will, I'll also be saying "I'm going home for the weekend." and drive out of this place that I've always known as home. After all, I can't take to much time away from my parents because I'll miss all the corny jokes!!

Later days,
Aeriel <3

"Plum" Awesome!

2009-07-10T10:25:00.000-07:00

I went to Theta Pond on my lunch break to eat and just be in a quiet place. After I finished my microwave meal, I sat there thinking; evaluating everything that crossed my mind. I was looking for the feeling that I get when I know that my heart is close to God. So I sat there, thinking, which lead to praying. I prayed about whatever I could think of: His power, blessings, love, will, and His ultimate plan.

As I was nearing the end of my time in prayer, I looked up and a little girl about the age of 5 walked up to me and handed me a plum. It was a, in my eyes and understanding, God's way of saying, "Yeah, I'm here." I was going to leave Theta Pond and head back to work a few different times but I stuck it out till I was at the end of my lunch period. I was waiting for my heart to recognize my faith in Him. I wanted to feel him there even though I already knew he was with me so I started praying about the things that I had been thinking about the previous 30 minutes or so.

I wondered why God would use this little child of his to hand me something as simple as a plum. Was it all he had at the time or was it planned out that way? Only thing I know is that since I chose to stay a little longer, I received a blessing that has put a huge smile on my face.

"And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like
little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever
humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of
heaven. "And whoever welcomes a little child like this in my name welcomes
me." (Matthew 18:3-5)

I remembered back to when I was about the age of the girl that handed me her fruit, which was also about the time that I learned that plums were something amazing to my taste buds. I was around seven years old at the time, in second grade, and I was one of the kids that always ate a school lunch and would trade up with other kids at our lunch tables. I hadn't recalled ever eating a plum before the day I was given one in the school lunch line and being the me, I didn't care what it was, I was going to eat it. This was also about the age that I wanted to start doing everything on my own and making my own decisions. At the end of the school year, I remember my mom sitting down to have a talk with Ms. Hicks about her evaluation of me as a student. Ms. Hicks thought it best for me to be held back due to the fact that she worried that I wasn't up to speed with the rest of my class. I was sitting right next to my mom as they discussed my future. It was in the moment that my mom turned to me and asked me what I thought that has impacted the course of the rest of my life.

When she asked me what I wanted to do, I told her that I wanted to continue into the next grade. In my mind, being held back meant that you were not cool. If I would not have made it into the third grade the following year, I would not have made the friends that I had through school, I may not have been baptized for the first time when I was 10. I wouldn't have dated the guys that I have and been through the same heartache that has brought me this far in life. Lessons, memories, and adventures would not be what I know them to be now. Going to Japan, moving in with Liz, starting my Sophomore year rather than what would have been my Freshman year...none of it.

So I thank my mom for asking me what I wanted to do with my life that day, for the little girl who thought of a stranger and gave away her fruit, and for my Heavenly Father letting things happen the way they have. Today I saw the innocence of a child that knew what God wanted her to do. I felt my heart yearn for him and burst with joy in thinking that I'm his daughter and all that entails. I realized what kind of impact one very small decision can have on one life which results in affecting a multitude of other lives. Today I realized just how "Plum" Awesome my life really is.

Great is our God.

How do you view Heaven?

2009-07-08T10:59:00.000-07:00

~A little inspiration to remember to carry your cross and spread His word. He died for us, so we are called to live for Him.~

17-year-old Brian Moore had only a short time towrite something for a class. The subject was what Heaven was like. 'I wowed'em,' he later told his father, Bruce. 'It's a killer. It'sthe bomb. It's the best thing I ever wrote..' It also was the last.

Brian Moore died May 27, 1997, the day afterMemorial Day.. He was driving home from a friend's house when his car wentoff Bulen-Pierce Road in Pickaway County and struck a utility pole. He emergedfrom the wreck unharmed but stepped on a downed power line and waselectrocuted..The Moore 's framed a copy of Brian's essayand hung it among the family portraits in the living room... 'I think Godused him to make a point. I think we were meant to find it and make somethingout of it,' Mrs. Moore said of the essay. She and her husband want to sharetheir son's vision of life after death. 'I'm happy for Brian. I knowhe's in heaven. I know I'll see him.'

Brian's Essay: The Room....

In that place between wakefulness and dreams, I foundmyself in the room. There were no distinguishing features except for the onewall covered with small index card files. They were like the ones in librariesthat list titles by author or subject in alphabetical order. But these files,which stretched from floor to ceiling and seemingly endless in either direction,had very different headings. As I drew near the wall of files, the first tocatch my attention was one that read 'Girls I have liked.' I opened itand began flipping through the cards. I quickly shut it, shocked to realize thatI recognized the names written on each one. And then without being told, I knewexactly where I was.
This lifeless room with its small files was a crudecatalog system for my life. Here were written the actions of my every moment,big and small, in a detail my memory couldn't match. A sense of wonder andcuriosity, coupled with horror, stirred within me as I began randomly openingfiles and exploring their content... Some brought joy and sweet memories; othersa sense of shame and regret so intense that I would look over my shoulder to seeif anyone was watching..
A file named 'Friends' was next to one marked'Friends I have betrayed.' The titles ranged from the mundane to theoutright weird 'Books I Have Read,' 'Lies I Have Told,''Comfort I have Given,' 'Jokes I Have Laughed at .' Some werealmost hilarious in their exactness: 'Things I've yelled at mybrothers.' Others I couldn't laugh at: 'Things I Have Done in MyAnger', 'Things I Have Muttered Under My Breath at My Parents.' Inever ceased to be surprised by the contents.
Often there were many more cards than I expected.Sometimes fewer than I hoped. I was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of the lifeI had lived. Could it be possible that I had the time in my years to fill eachof these thousands or even millions of cards? But each card confirmed thistruth. Each was written in my own handwriting. Each signed with my signature.
When I pulled out the file marked 'TV Shows I havewatched', I realized the files grew to contain their contents. The cardswere packed tightly, and yet after two or three yards, I hadn't found theend of the file. I shut it, shamed, not so much by the quality of shows but moreby the vast time I knew that file represented...
When I came to a file marked 'LustfulThoughts,' I felt a chill run through my body. I pulled the file out only aninch, not willing to test its size and drew out a card. I shuddered at itsdetailed content.I felt sick to think that such a moment had beenrecorded. An almost animal rage broke on me. One thought dominated my mind: Noone must ever see these cards! No one must ever see this room! I have to destroythem!' In insane frenzy I yanked the file out. Its size didn't matternow. I had to empty it and burn the cards.. But as I took it at one end andbegan pounding it on the floor, I could not dislodge a single card. I becamedesperate and pulled out a card, only to find it as strong as steel when I triedto tear it.
Defeated and utterly helpless, I returned the file toits slot. Leaning my forehead against the wall, I let out a long, self-pityingsigh. And then I saw it.. The title bore 'People I HaveShared the Gospel With.' The handle was brighter than those around it,seemednewer, almost unused. I pulled on its handle and a small box not more than threeinches long fell into my hands. I could count the cards it contained on onehand.
And then the tears came. I began to weep. Sobs so deepthat they hurt. They started in my stomach and shook through me. I fell on myknees and cried. I cried out of shame, from the overwhelming shame of it all.The rows of file shelves swirled in my tear-filled eyes. No one must ever, everknow of this room. I must lock it up and hide the key. But then as I pushed awaythe tears, I saw Him.
No, please not Him. Not here. Oh, anyone but Jesus.. Iwatched helplessly as He began to open the files and read the cards. Icouldn't bear to watch His response. And in the moments I could bring myselfto look at His face, I saw a sorrow deeper than my own. He seemed to intuitively go to the worst boxes. Whydid He have to read every one? Finally He turned and looked at me from acrossthe room.. He looked at me with pity in His eyes. But this was a pity thatdidn't anger me. I dropped my head, covered my face with my hands and beganto cry again. He walked over and put His arm around me. He could have said somany things. But He didn't say a word. He just cried with me.
Then He got up and walked back to the wall of files.Starting at one end of the room, He took out a file and, one by one, began tosign His name over mine on each card. 'No!' I shouted rushing to Him.All I could find to say was 'No, no,' as I pulled the card from Him. Hisname shouldn't be on these cards. But there it was, written in red so rich,so dark, so alive. The name of Jesus covered mine... It was written with Hisblood. He gently took the card back.. He smiled a sad smile and began to signthe cards.. I don't think I'll ever understand how He did it so quickly,but the next instant it seemed I heard Him close the last file and walk back tomy side..

He placed His hand on my shoulder and said, 'It isfinished.' I stood up, and He led me out of the room. There was no lock onits door. There were still cards to be written....

'I can do all things through Christ whostrengthens me. '-Phil. 4:13 'For God so loved the world that He gaveHis only son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternallife.' My 'People I shared the gospel with' file just got bigger. I hope yours will too.

What did you think of his view of heaven? What is yours?

What my daddy is to his daughter

2009-07-07T12:01:00.000-07:00

My dad is quite the man, working hard an loving others from the time he wakes up to the very moment he falls asleep. I love him with more than what I have words for and I'm so very thankful to have been blessed with such a father.

Here's to you Daddy :)

Always Present

Finger slips and I tumble to rocks ledge
Bruised, I stood and climbed that mountain peak
Ray-light fades as twilight sets in so I stop to think
Till this happened I never had to seek...

Pondering the meaning of one life
The power that one touch can hold
Remembering those callused hands sends shivers down my spine
Protecting against this night of cold

Looking up as to see that face
Smiling because the vision's clear
Not happy but rather content
To still hold this memory dear

You taught me to never give up when life takes you down
To hope when all dreams are lost
To laugh through a stream of tears
And that true love has no cost

I can see my father standing proud
Watching over his little girl from up there
Knowing that he made me who I am today
And talking with the Lord's Angels with plenty of stories to share

Because of this great man
I take this gift of life day by day
Taking care of the meek and poor
And guiding those that have gone astray

He lives in the hearts of those who loved him
And will forever have left a mark
Because he cared for those around him
While giving many lives their first spark

For tonight, I will stop what I'm doing
And save my journey for tomorrow
Rest my mind on a happy thought
Having no room in my heart for sorrow.

~I love you.~

To have friends half way around the world...

2009-07-07T08:54:00.000-07:00

~Written the night I got back into the states. Miyoko is the one on the left in the picture.~

Its about 3:14 in the morning as I sit here in Dallas and can't sleep because jetlag is not a friendly thing. Nothing else to do besides share a story that He blessed me with while I was in Japan. What better way to spend your time anyhow. So...

There's a woman by the name of Miyoko that resides in Yaizu City (Oigawa), Japan, who has changed my life and I hers. After arriving in Japan and getting settled, it was time to do our information meeting and see who we would be reading with for the next three weeks. After names where drawn, I was surrounded by four wonderful ladies known as Miyo, Akiko, Takayo, and Miyoko.

We started our reading sessions the next day with smiles on our faces and full of excitement. Least to say the first two weeks past and Japan had become a second home in a away. I woke up eager to see who I was reading with each day because I learned so much reading with the girls and watching them soak up and understand The Word made me all warm inside. I can happily say that the first two weeks seemed long but as the three weeks started drawing to a close, it seemed like the time had flown by leaving much more to be done and said to the people who had, by now, become extremely close friends. In the last week, Miyoko finished a whole work book and started into the next. She and I would do anywhere from two to four lessons at a time and then proceed to open up my bible because she was left with more questions that were found else where. We studies out hearts out and told our stories with a few tears here and there. One night I told her the story of how I became a christian and she then told me about how she wants to be a Chrstian someday too. She told me that she wants to study more so that she can hopefully teach her husband and mother but she doesn't want to become one now because she feels that she would be shaming her family because they are of another religion.

She asked me"I always see you smile big when you are talking about Jesus. Why is that?"

I answered her with Psalm 16: 8-11

"I have set the Lord always before me. Because He is at my right hand I will not be shaken. Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body will also rest secure, because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let you Holy One see decay. You have made known to me the path of life."

Miyoko showed me how you can truly thirst for the living water and not know how to take hold of the cup and drink. Our last day to read together, we proceeded to spend two hours in God's word, enjoying the conversation and discussing salvation. When we got to the fourth lesson, I aksed her if she understood that this would be our last time reading together.

She understood.

I handed her some tissues and grabbed one for myself. We finished the lesson that just happened to be about the Samaritian women who meets Jesus at the well. In this story, for those of you who don't know, Jesus offers this women the living water. The lesson of the story was that the living water is for anyone who believes in Him and is always available. The last question of the lesson was in two parts:

Do you think the Samaritian women wanted the living water?

-Miyoko answered yes.

Would you accept the living water if it was offered to you?

I looked up at Miyoko and heard her say a squeaky yes. She had just told me that she wanted to be a christian and I explained this to her. She and I grabbed more tissues. This was our last reading session and then I was heading home.

She told me many things after she answered that question. A few of them being "You've taught me so much and I'm so thankful for that", "I want to go to heaven one day to so that I can be with God and be happy all the time and also see you again", "I've never met someone with the kind of heart that you have and I'm glad I met you". We said so much in those two hours that it was breaking my heart to think that I had to return to the US in just two days. I was torn because I felt that there was so much left to do but I wouldn't be there to help. I want, with all my heart, to be there the day she is reborn into our christian family.

This was on my heart the rest of the day. I finally FULLY understood what it meant to give your life to God and serve others. To go in to the world and spread the message. To love a complete stranger.

God knew what He was doing when He paired Miyoko up with me. He also knew what He was doing when He sent His son to die on the cross for our salvation.I know that He let me be apart of something great. So many lessons where learned but the greatest thing that happened while I was there was that God found his way into a lost woman's heart.

Great is our God.

Winter Bird

2009-05-04T13:23:00.000-07:00

Song bird sing me to sleep
Lull my heart in peace
Cease these tears with your melody
While you're perched on the window ceil

How did you get your song, my friend?
Learning to fly,
Breaking a wing,
Soaring through a storm?

Did to world not feed you,
Did you flock move away,
Left alone to face the world,
Never see the light of day?

Winter has come
And yet you sing
The chill breeze blows
And you do not leave your perch

You are not caged
Free to move about
Never to suffer a broken heart
Or feel that of worry and doubt

White blankets out this window
Opened to match this heart
Cold yet happy you are
Warming this freezing room

Winter bird you sing a lullaby
A song of peace and woe
Matching the weather you continue
With no gain for show

As the cill brings the sun
White leads in natures color
What then will you perform for me?
Or will my window grow lonely again.

Company for now
Companions through the cold
Acquaintances we'll always be
And memories down the road

Song bird sing me to sleep
Tonight I have peace;
I will not weep
Song bird sing me to sleep

Its only a box...

2009-04-10T20:33:00.000-07:00

What does the phrase "Out side the box mean to you?"

To some, it means not being what everyone else is or not conforming to anything as Megan Durham stated. I know that the first that I think if is to THINK outside the box. To broaden your perspective and to be a little something more that the day before. I picture this flimsy cardboard box that we each sit in every day. Its big enough that we can't see over the walls though it is easily torn apart if we so desire. We were not given the boxes but we have chosen to live inside them, live we are living in our own world. For this reason. The vast majority of us have no clue what is going on out side our box. There way be someone who needs a hand or a should or an ear but we wouldn't know because we are blind to these needs.

Last week, during a missions training meeting, I was finally able to put my thoughts into words. These boxes of ours, whether it is facebook, cell phones, our own houses, we are keeping ourselves in the dark. What would it be like or rather look like if we all "stepped outside the box" and looked into another's box. What do you think we would find? A new friend? A sinner? A broken heart? Or maybe even a captive soul that needs to be released. A wise man reminded me that we are to be the hands and feet of our savior. That we are called to heal the broken hearted and set the captive free. How can we do this if we can't even step outside our selves long enough to have compassion for a neighbor? We are also called to bare with one another. He will never lead us to something with out having a way through it and sometimes the way through his test is holding the hand of a dear friend that he has put in our lives.

God did not give us life and then hand us a box saying "Best of luck". He gave us a life to live amongst each other; to love each other. I'm not going to pull out my handy dandy bible point to every verse I am referring to for two reasons: 1) its late and my bible is out in my truck, and two) also because its late, I don't feel awake enough to find them all. I tear away at my box little by little when I feel like I have the spiritual strength to do so. As I do this, my Father makes it easier to accept things and to see where it is that he wants me to be. As this lesson has been taught over the course of the past year, love has been coming more freely as well as understanding. I understand at least this much by now: why would I want to live in a box all alone where there is a world that could use my company, or yours for that matter. It is best explained in the movie pay it forward. Someone else a small number of people who in turn help a small number of people each and so on. With one person a chain reaction is started. It has to start somewhere with someone though.

As of spring break, I have become apart of the chain reaction because of Benny and Niki. I left my box at home when I went to Colorado and when I got home, I couldn't find it but better yet, I didn't want it. In a way this is a challenge to leave to comfort of your so called box and look in to that of anther and see what you find. Its a sacrifice and as Matt Mills said, "...its a risk" but God may surprise you. Its a hard thing to do, leaving the comfort zone we hide in so much, but the end result will be worth more than silver or gold.

2009-03-06T22:08:00.000-08:00

I want to write something beautiful. Something that will move me every time I or someone else reads it. The only problem is that there doesn't seem to be anything to really write about at the moment. Nothing is moving me enough to create anything new. Its sad really, because I feel like I need to release something deep but I can't pull it out of me. Writing is a private thing for me that I let only a few people see. I love it because I actually think before I put something into print, unlike my everyday conversations where I just blurt out the first thing that comes to mind. Ever feel that way? like you just can't give yourself a break? I don't know right now. I'm probably in the middle of some change that I will realize and write about later. Nothing to special at the moment.

I could talk about going to Japan in May, I guess. Thats going to be fun. Or Colorado next weekend (march). Lord knows my history with that place though I've never been. How did I get myself into these things anyhow? They are huge risks but I'm going still.

Lord, I want to walk closer to you. To feel your hand on my shoulder through the day. To know what to say to others. To know where to go each week and who to seek out. Help me to be a light in this world. Give me strength, patience, and wisdom. Thank you for the lessons you are teaching me in life, for the great amount of love I've been shown, and for the sacrifice of your son. Please forgive me for the sings that I have against my name. Help me to seek you out each day. Guide my steps and those of the people in my life. I ask for the good health of my loved ones and of those who are yet to come into my life. Thank for the UC family that you have given me this semester. They are all special to me in different ways. Michael, Ryan, Corwin, Josh, Erin, Melisa, Kathryn, Cortney, Megan, Allison, Heather B, Jesse, Michelle, Jentry and Paige, Matt and Melisa Mills, Monty and Jenny Daffern, Sabrina and her family, Kasey Y, Nathan Turek. So many people in my life and you're the one that put them them. I'm sorry for turning away as I often do, but Father, please help me to persevere and stand under pressure. Give me the drive to complete tasks and run through new ones. Thank you for each day and the promise of eternal life through your son and my savior. In his name, Amen.

I guess this is where you teach me patience and how to wait on you as well as listen to you more closely.....Thank you.

2008: End

2008-12-29T22:45:00.000-08:00

So I've reached this point in life/school year where I am constantly changing. Almost by the hour it seems. Faith and Life are duking it out with each other these past few weeks and each round either goes to one or the other or ends in a stalemate. I want to be as close to my father as I have been this past fall but the pleasures of this world are controlling my attention and actions. I am longing for the new year to kick in and for everyone to return home from the holidays and so I am chronically missing them as of late. Sort of lonely at times. I hate the evening because I sit at home and there is nothing for occupy my mountainous free time.

Time, I've realized, is a funny thing. It seperates good and bad as well as providing a bridge. It has moved me along to better days and has brought them to their end in past years. They say that the past is behind us and the future isn't promised, all we can be sure of is the gift of the day we currentl have. Thats why its called the present. Each day I am have lived has been a novel of its own, though some read more in depth than others. My yesterdays have many a lesson to be remembered and most seemed blurred together. My todays are sometimes seem irrelevant becuase I want to look to what is coming and so take them for granted. My future holds secrets that will only be revealed as I will myself toward another "today".

Today, as is December 29, 2008, I only existed in this world. I did almost nothing to better my future nor relfect on past months to better understand lessons taught to be by God himself. I simply let it slip through my fingers as something to be tossed away. Frankly, this bothers me. I don't want to simply exist, I want to be alive in the world and live. Maybe not have each day as something life altering but acomplish something great, if even in my mind alone it is so. To know that I am worth the air around me to breathe. My drive to get things done and self control over my actions has dwindled down and become rusty. Its as if I need something to shock them back into working order to continue this path toward adult hood.

My future, New Years Eve, a month from now, or 5 years down the road, all depend on what I do today and my today that is coming tomorrow. Will I finalize my career path by looking into different areas of study? Be present minded enough to stay on even the simplest of tasks? I pray to my heavenly father that I will. It time to put all of my training into action. Dust off the old skills and stand out rather than just standing up.

My older sister said something the other day that really only now makes sense: "You say that God has been giving you everything you need and more, but have you been putting it to use in order to follow through with the plan that he has for you?" She then followed with the story of a man that was sitting on his roof top during a flood waiting for God to rescue him. Three different chances came by to save him but he simply told him that he was waiting for God. He did not survive the flood. So when he arrived at the feet of God, he asked him, "Father, why did you not save me?" Then God replied, "Son, I tried. I sent a two boat, and a chopper. Why did you not take advantage of them?"

2008 has brought about a lot of change. I started this year as a high school student with a very child like mind and I am ending as a college freshman with a young adult mind that has come to understand quit a lot and almost nothing at all. There have been a number of me's this year. Each developed from a major change is life style or understanding or how the world works but nothing permantent. I am still KJ, but as to the complete person, that varies daily.

Back to my subject of time. My favorite conclusion of the year is this: We have time because God set the world in motion. It turns, leaving behind a past, devlivering today, and bringing the future. Nothing remains the same but everything is in constant change.

Even when we seem to have a perfect life, it always seems surreal to me. So in time, the world rotates a few times and brings the bad with it. In constant balance, good to bad and bad to good, in a never ending circle.

I am thankful for this year while being excited and scared for the next. I have a loving family, great friends, a good relationship, school, work, and my Father presently with me at all times. But I still stress over little things that seem pressing when they are smaller than I believe them to be. Still many lessons to learn. 2009, ready or not, here you come.

*End Rant

Silhouettes

2008-09-30T14:05:00.000-07:00

There are days, like today, that I wish that I could live as a silhouette. They're beautiful, peaceful, and just hang around...always present but never stressed. They follow you around and never say a word. As a silhouette, I could just coast through my days, not caring what others thought, and watch people. learn what I felt like learning without having to PROVE that I knew what I knew. Though I know it would be a lonely life: no one ever noticing your existence, no one being able to hear your thoughts, wishing to be apart of something but lacking the physical body to do so. But you could cry in peace. Show your weaknesses and fears openly. Free to just enjoy the beauty of the world without the stress of having to Live a life.

I imagine that a silhouette's song would be heart breaking yet undenyably beautiful.

2008-09-29T02:36:00.000-07:00

These politics are like kids on a playground playing king of the hill. You just push each other out of the way untill the other can't get up. Grown men make themselves out to look immature. Wow.

One of these days it really won't matter who was what and who said what because the world is gonna end while we're all preoccupied playing king of the hill.

So I asked God...

2008-09-22T02:39:00.000-07:00

I told God that I was starting to grow weary and he said "Lean on Me."

I told him I needed a place to rest my feet and he said "Find rest in Me."

I told him I was worried about everything that seemed to be upside down in my life and he said "Find peace in Me."

I told him I was scared and he siad "Trust in me."

I told him I felt to weak to carry on and he said "Find your strength in Me."

I told him that I felt lost and he said "Follow Me."

I asked God what he wanted me to do and he said "Love Me."

"EPIC FAIL"

2008-09-20T19:05:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I talk to people about myself problem daily hoping to get some sort of answer I haven't before. Yesterday, BINGO, it worked. People liked to be around be because I was confident and light hearted all the time. After this past spring, I fought for my dream that I strived to achieve for 5 years and lost, loosing myself as well. A few months have passed now and I'm backwards, though not completely from the person I used to be just yesterday it seems.

I started to think: What the heck happened and why am I like this.

That wasn't the only question I asked people (and when I say people I mean my close friends that know me and know how loosing this dream effected me) when I talked to them. Though it was always in some near form to try and get closer to an answer.

First week after I lost it: I knew what had happened but I had not excepted it.

First month: I accepted it and became bitter; hating everything that had to do with the world that I had created for the dream I had so suddenly lost. Not so much denial for the dream but denial for the hurt I was so desperately wanting to hide. My new phrase became "I don't care!"

Second month: I realized what I had become (or was quickly becoming) and finally broke down. I had already lost what I had let define me for so long and, because of ignoring the pain it was causing me, had rapidly started to alter who I was in the core of my personality. Upon my realization of this person I did not want to embody, I was able to save what was left of my tarnished traits that had for so long been what people would recognize me by: my positivity, my energy that was mostly depleted, and my confidence which was barley intact.

Third and forth month: So there I was a heap of random qualities and traits that had lost most connection with its person...leaving me to feel like a silhouette (a shadow of who I was if you will). Now I was a lost lamb with out a direction and sense of who she was. I felt empty and so tried to, again, ignore the void in my life (which is pretty hard to do if you only knew how much apart of my like that dream had been). I stuck with this life style for a short time because I had to face up to the facts sooner than later. Friends could only give me so much of there time to distract me and books would only remind me of how much of a life I didn't have. It was inevitable. "FINE!! I GET IT! I broken and need to be fixed BUT HOW when I have nothing?!?!?!" I all but shouted in my head when I gave in again. And answering my self, "start to live again dork. What do you like to do? what matters to you.? What makes up you now an what do you want to be apart of you?" That's when I finally understood. I had been seeing this all as a closed door when really it was a a path to a whole new door of MY CHOICE!

See, the dream was connected to everything that had been in my life until I lost it all. I'm a farm girl with parents who have always given me guidelines for how to live and how to act. I blindly followed the foot steps of my older sister, joined the FFA and was the best the chapter had to offer. My life was handed to me on a silver platter; I was doing what they had done and never really had to think for myself. It was easy for me to live this way though because I never argued much. Rather, a passion for what I was in was born in me from a young age and so I really saw nothing else but what my family did. So, as for the most prestigious thing that I could think up for my self was becoming a State officer at the end of my Senior year. So I prepared daily for what I thought was to come, because of course, I was the prodical FFA member that everyone knew. HA, boy was I wrong. Yes I was good enough to be a State Officer, but others were better so I lost.

It wasn't until this time that I finally realized that I had missed out on many things that teenage life has to offer like band, playing sports, color guard, and so much more. I limited my self and gave everything I had (literally: time, energy, focus) to being one of the top FFA members there was. Make sense now why I went through what I did after I lost that dream? Yeah...that s what I thought.

So, here I am a college freshman just trying to figure out who I am and what I'm gonna do with my life like all the rest of my fellow class.

But, like every other "tragedy" that has happened in my life, the end result is a stronger, more stable person...though the out come really isn't finalized on this one yet. I know that God is getting me to the next stage in my life and though its a journey I would rather avoid, I know that i have to travel it to be the person that he wants me to be when he gets me there.

Yestersday: I was able to put into words why I had been feeling the way I had because of my best friends and there willingness to listen to me go on and on about myself (as I am here..sorry). I lost my confidence because I'm not confident in who I am anymore. So once I become a complete person again, my confidence will be restored in myself and all will be right with the world...as far as internal battles for anyway.

In everything you do and in every thing that happens (such as an EPIC FAIL) praise, thanks, and always turn to God. He knows what he is doing. It was only when I turned to him that things started to come together again.