Should have turned around

I know the girl in the short sitting on the stairs. She's one in a kind that I am not fond of. But she looked sad, sort of vulnerable with that unsure look on her face. The kind of look that would have made me turn around and offer an ear to listen and a hug if it was needed. Its just a normal reaction I have to a face like that. But there is history there that would render any approach toward a friendly gesture as possibly vile.

But I back tracked just to see her. And then continued on again but thought to turn around, to be a single serving friend just once. I wonder right now: by not turning around to check on her, did I missed a chance at something. As vague as "something" may sound, I can imagine it to be a variety of different scenarios. Would she know who I am? If she did, would she just push me off because of her history or would she not let it bother her and accept a stranger's presence? I justified not stopping to help with the things that I know about her. The underlying deception that she once laid out before someone dear to me. I passed judgment but it was still on my heart that maybe that was the only chance I ever would have had to talk to this girl that peaks my curiosity. The only chance at a civil moment passed. Its my fault for judging though. What if those past events have been atoned for. I have no reason to hold anything against her. Thinking that, I wish I would have approached her. Failing only in knowing how I would react, not foreseeing her evaluation of the situation that she would have found herself in.

Traveling Student

The six weeks have passed and now I have been back in the states for two weeks now. Being in Japan was a great time with old friends and even new faces. I miss those people and even though I got tired of reading the same stories over and over again, I love seeing the new understand of old stories on the reader's faces. It was a long six weeks but when I got home, it felt like I had not gone anywhere. Is that normal?

My thoughts are sparatic a the moment.

God really did a number to my understanding of trusting him. I felt like it was a adult lesson in a way. He healed my hand mostly. It dried out and cracked to where it hurt pretty bad and I talked to the missionaries daughter, Angela, and she talked to me about being healed. I decided I would try and trust God to heal me. Why had I never trusted him to do that before? I prayed for a few days and as my hand healed up from being cracked, it smoothed out. That the first time I had ever seen something done that personal in my life. Second, I knew that my job would be ending a few months after I got back home so I would have to start looking for a new one unless I wanted to go back to the computer labs. No thanks. So again, I prayed.

After starting the process and mind set to start a job search, I got a call from an old boss saying that he wanted to put my name in for another job that was coming up under someone else. Really? Alright then. I fixed up my resume, sent it in, and got a call the next day. I went in, and rather than an interview, they put me right on the schedule. I didn't do a thing but follow along with what God was working out. I can't tell you how much of awe I have for the power of prayer.

I know that in James, the Word says that if you pray with any doubt in you that it probably won't happen. It's saying that you need to believe in God's granting power to come though for you when you pray. Seek and you will find.

Its a wonderful lesson, and though I don't have the prayer life that I want at the moment, I plan on making it my best habit. I hope. No one is perfect right?

He's a pretty big and unfathomable guy. I have been blessed to travel this summer to Japan and Florida. So least to say, I have spent a great amount of flying. Being up in the clouds when the block the sun, viewing the forms that you can't see standing in your front yard, its a beauty I treasure. I like to think about heaven staring at the clouds and the sung rays. Things in heaven are the things that are unseen as we are told. How do we know that we aren't flying right though Peter and Paul visiting old friends or Paul walking with some of the people he persecuted, or having an angel fly along side of us laughing and making faces? I would love to be a part of that world.

.... "I Can Only Imagine" Just started playing.

I'm a happy girl.

<3 Aeriel

Maybe I have had my eye closed to some important things

Miracles, prayer, and trust.

I know that God can work in mysterious ways but I don't think I have ever trusted him to do so. I just expected him to surprise me from time to time. Now that I think about that, I feel ashamed that I thought that way. The other day, I prayed that God would heal my hand and a week later, the rough spot I have had on my hand has started to go away. I have all intentions of giving credit to him even when I tell others and they are skeptical of what I say. "Maybe it just isn't active right now." but I trust that "Maybe God really does answer when you ask him for something".

But I'm left thinking, what about the others that pray for something and aren't healed, or delivered from something. Do I pass that off as not having enough faith? Of course not. God has his reasons, even when they confuse us and sometimes don't seem fair. Or maybe he is just taking longer to respond. He does that I hear. It took him, what, 400 years to deliver his people from slavery? Time has a different meaning to him, if it has any meaning to him at all.

Basically, with the thoughts I have had lately, I have been wondering if I have really been as close minded as I think I have been. In worship, prayer, trusting him to actually answer my prayer, etc. But it scares a Church of Christ kid such as myself to wander away from the conservative thinking. But I know that we weren't meant to hold ourselves back in how we worship and trust God. He sure has not held himself back in how he blesses us and works in us... and forgives us. Why would I be conservative in how I serve him? In how I trust in his word? In how I trust that he will come to show himself to people that are open to accept him? In the promise of eternal life?

I feel like holding myself back from taking that big step in my faith is a sin in itself. I don't want to play it safe. Then I think about the other people around me and fear what they would think if I actually took that leap (or step, or hop). I fear them pushing me away if I do such a thing. My parents, my friends, but not God. I know that if I opened up more to him that he wouldn't leave me vulnerable.

This is a reason why I love the UC. I have seen how real the students there want to be with their faith and how they support each other. If I can take that step, I will have family that will leap with me or already be across the jump waiting to help me find my footing. Pretty awesome.

I was talking with a missionaries daughter his in Japan, Angela, about how she was given the feeling of how God feels when the children worship him. He's so delighted. She knew that it was her turn to step it up in the children's worship that she leads at the church she attends. How amazing would it be to be so in tune with God that you are receptive to the messages he tries to send you everyday?!

Just a few things that I had on my mind today. Here's hoping I don't forget them tomorrow.

-Aeriel <3

Heart-Soul-Mind

Disclaimer: I have not gone back to check grammar or to see how this flows. Good luck!

I've been looking into how I can step back into the front line of God's on going spiritual battle and realizing that I have three major components that need to be working together in order to be able to take one step after another to get there. From the greatest commandment in Matthew 22:37-39 We are called to love god with all our heart soul and mind. Which is harder than I realize because they are all connected and also easier than I am making it out to be if I were to trust God with every step I am trying to take. I've been there before but with how much I have gotten in to the world, its like I need to go through Rehab to try and learn to walk again. But I know this, God will be my Spiritual Therapist.

As I start to think about the heart, soul, and mind, I realize how connected mine are. I can think to myself what I need to do to get something done but with out the motivation and passion from my heart, and yearning for purpose from my soul, my thoughts have no force. the emotions from my heart cause my mind to be over powered and so my soul is confused. Like scripture says, guard your heart for it is the well spring of life. So I picture these three lining up like children do in elementary school. The Heart is the first in line. followed by the mind and then by the soul. The heart is the easiest to be affected by and so needs the most guarding and if the heart and mind are not in sinc, then the soul is confused. This allows follows with my distress about my faith. I have done little to protect my heart from the influences around me but my mind is staying tuned to the teaching I have grown up with so my soul is more or less lost between the two, however, as they become disconnected, I find comfort knowing that God is holding me in those times.

I have done little to keep these three things in line but now that school is not strangling my schedule, I have more free time to relax and let the more important things float to the top of my day dreams. Needless to say, I haven't had my priorities straight all semester.

All this is coming out due to the excitement of being in Japan and away from my life in Stillwater. Stepping out of Stillwater, I get to take just myself over to a place where the only purpose I have is to serve God and his sheep and maintain my health through eating and sleeping. Its the best spiritual rehab I could ask for. Though I am there to serve, I know that I will be transformed from the service so its getting two birds with one stone.

Listening to my thoughts as they are being typed out, I don't feel very selfless...
___________

I listened to my campus minister, Matt Mills, give a message on "Shadow Boxing". My mind jumped to a shadow box that you put memorabilia into and hang on a wall but I was wrong when he described his topic as the punching of the air to prepare for a boxing match. He compared this to being a christian struggling with sin. You're in the shadows fighting with nothing but yourself all the while, you could be in the light fighting a battle bigger than yourself. By shadow boxing with your sins, and getting nowhere, stepping into the light allows for forgiveness so you can step past them and start helping others that need it by spreading the light to other places.

He pulled up the passage that talks about lighting a lamp. When you light one, you don't put it under a bed or cover it up, you place it where everyone can see it to shine and expose the dark places so nothing is hidden from sight.

I'm not sure who will ever read this but I don't want to hide my thought. Getting them out allows me to be true to myself and help me work through things that I would still have jumbled in my head. I usually think of a magician pulling a string of flags out of his hat: before they are shown tot he audience, they are crammed together in the hat but as they are pulled out one by one, you see them individually.

Light is to righteousness as darkness is to sin. If you are committed to shining His light, there will not be room for darkness because as I previously stated, light exposes the darkness. This brings me to another topic that i heard discussed on Wednesday when I sat with a group of amazing followers of Christ. The topic was commitment which lead to defining passion. Whatever your passion is, you usually have little trouble committing to it as we discussed. But emotion and passion are two different things but they go hand in hand with each other. The best example i have is soccer and porn. A soccer player doesn't always want to go to practice but does because they have a passion for the sport. Their emotions can be love for playing and irritation for practicing but the passion remains the same. As for those that are addicted to porn, they wouldn't passionately tell everyone that the watched porn or looked at it but they are emotionally wrapped up in it because its an addiction. Which brings me back to the heart, mind, and soul. Faith and being a follower requires passion and emotion and a little more, your soul. The words "earnest" and "desire" go well together when I think of actively following Christ. An earnest desire to follow Christ is just a peaceful and beautiful thought to me.

I'm lead to the thought of the scripture that talks about storing your treasures in heaven because where your treasure is, there your heart will also be. It goes on to say that the treasures of the world will waste away but those of heaven will be ever lasting. If my heart is in heaven, how much easier is it to protect it from the world which is wasting away! ^__^

All of this feels good to write out but it does me no good unless I practice what I preacher so to speak. I have a growing desire to be back in the front of the line where all the action is taking place. Where to sweat on your brow feels good and you sleep heavy because you have done good work. I have a strong feeling Japan will be where my Rehab starts but where I find myself back on the front line at the end of six weeks when it time to come home and face the real world.

That's all my thought for now.

-Aeriel <3

questions.

Why would a ten year old find a lucky penny and hold on to it for years hoping it would bring him luck?

Why does a son or daughter hide things from their parents hoping to avoid punishment?

What manner should a friend forgive another friend when hurt feeling still linger?

Why do we wish for things beyond the rainbow?

What makes something tasty to one person but nasty to another?

Can two people who don't speak the same language truly fall in love with each other?

Do animal crackers always make every 5 year old that much happier on a rainy day?

Does our first love ever be out measured?

What age do we first feel love and what age do we actually understand it?

Does God exist? How do we know for sure?

Does Hell warrant fear from those who don't believe in God?

Can a puppy melt your heart even when you have a great companion of 17 years before her passing?

Should Hell warrant fear from those that DO believe in God?

Why would God send a good person to Hell just because they didn't have the understanding of Him while on this earth? Wasn't he meant to not be comprehended?

Does a light breeze across your face make you think of peace?

Am I the only who thinks of good luck when I see a red Cardinal?

How many kisses is to many kisses in one day?

Do we ever really fall out of love or just learn to live without that person in our lives?

If we drag our self down a path that is so far from God that we don't know how to bring ourselves back, will he find a way to release us or will he simply wait for us to find our own way out?

Will we always end up as our parents and marry the person of the opposite sex that resembles our parents?

Loving Arms

:: Loving Arms::

"It was then that I carried me?" She asked...

"Yes my dear, it was then that I carried you. I saw your thoughts change. I felt your hand loosen and then saw you let go. My little girl trying to stand on her own. You know so little about what can happen when you walk by yourself and hit a rock and find your face in the dirt. Daughter, I have loved you since before anyone else knew you. I took my time making you strong and intelligent and compassionate. You are my precious one. As a Father, I took it upon myself to see you through all that was to come your way, taking the good and the bad, unconditionally loving you and seeing you as unmarred and untainted each morning. The way I see you shall never change.

Knowing that you had to learn this on your own, I stood here and waited for you to turn back and run into my arms. Though it saddens me every time I see you make a decision without using the knowledge I have taught you, my love for you will never be affected by the mistakes or successes that you have. I could never love you less. I could never love you more.

Sweet one, do you hear what I say to you?

You decided to try your hand at this without my wisdom. I stood by watching. You said the words I knew you would say but hoped you wouldn't. You fell apart as I anticipated to happen and I then walked over and kissed my baby girl's face as I picked you up to carry you away from the mess you were in. I held you tight when it hurt the most. sitting down with you in my arms, rocking you to peace as you told me all about what I already knew.

Daughter, I forgive you. Love, I forgave you long before this happened. Angel, I have forgotten what it was you ever did to make you feel this way.

What is it that I can do for you? Please tell me. When do you want me to act? How do you want things done? Who do I take care of for you until you heal enough to walk by my side again. Shh. Don't answer because I actually already knew. I was there, remember? Let me love you and hold you until you understand how much you mean to me. Understand my dear one, that I will do things how I see fit but whatever I do, I do for the benefit of you, for other's, and for myself. Giving a balance back to what was lost.

When you decide to do this again, if you decide to do this again, know that I am your Father and a Father who loves his children shows them discipline to strengthen their spirits. Not to punish you out of resentment. I am capable of anger, wrath even, but I am the true definition of love. Know one will ever have a greater understanding of who you are, of what you are capable of, of how things affect you. Not even yourself.

Holding you now, I have you close so listen well. Guard your heart. Think twice, no three times before you make a decision without consulting me. Love those around you. Show them the love that I have always shown you. Give without expecting anything back because I will always make sure you don't go without. And trust in all the directions I give you.

Now, in this moment, I give you a band aid to help heal an protect that which hurts right now. I give you the love that was always yours. I give you my word and within my word, you will find all that you need to live a life where I am always right beside you or rather just a call away. Have faith in me for I have faith in you and carry that faith with you always.

To a Father, a baby girl will grow up, but will always remain his baby girl of whom he raised and will always look out for. I will catch you when you fall again. Dearest, I will carry you then, again, like I carry you now.

Broken hearted or scorned, shamed or helpless, weak or meek, lonely or sad, depressed or afraid, in all situations you will know the warmth of my arms.

My beloved, yes, it was in that moment that I carry you."

********

Prayer is a special thing. A way of finding healing, peace, understanding, grace, joy, and rest amongst a number of other things. When I take part in prayer, there are the rare and special times I fell and know that my Father is meeting me where I am at and placing his arms around me. He knows what I have come to tell him and he know what I need help with. A wonderful feeling if there ever was one. I lean on His unending love now like its all I've got and in big way, that's true because when this world is no more, His love will always remain. I thank my Father for His love that has been the cause for his to give me so much. I'll end with that thought.

<3>

The Stop Light

Red. Yellow. Green

Red holds the power to be a great leader. Followers stop at its presence, out of respect. Even though here are a few that wish to show no honor to the red light, it in turn does nothing for punishment (thought here are others that will bring the punishment in the name of red light).

Yellow feels like a girl that is only wanted for her looks, not her brains. She knows how to take things slow and advises others to do so. She fears that most of the time her advice goes unheeded and that others only slow down to watch her make way for Red. There are the few that speed past her out of shyness. She knows how beautiful she is and that some do not wait for her out of fear.

Green is the unappreciated friend that sees all that the world holds but has no way of sharing its wisdom with the rest of humanity. We rush past Green with no intention of respect or admiration. Even after all the years of passer-bys, Green still seems to hold an air of optimism as he continues his job with out fail, allowing Yellow to maintain her place above him and Red to continue his hearty reign.