Silhouettes

There are days, like today, that I wish that I could live as a silhouette. They're beautiful, peaceful, and just hang around...always present but never stressed. They follow you around and never say a word. As a silhouette, I could just coast through my days, not caring what others thought, and watch people. learn what I felt like learning without having to PROVE that I knew what I knew. Though I know it would be a lonely life: no one ever noticing your existence, no one being able to hear your thoughts, wishing to be apart of something but lacking the physical body to do so. But you could cry in peace. Show your weaknesses and fears openly. Free to just enjoy the beauty of the world without the stress of having to Live a life.

I imagine that a silhouette's song would be heart breaking yet undenyably beautiful.

These politics are like kids on a playground playing king of the hill. You just push each other out of the way untill the other can't get up. Grown men make themselves out to look immature. Wow.

One of these days it really won't matter who was what and who said what because the world is gonna end while we're all preoccupied playing king of the hill.

So I asked God...

I told God that I was starting to grow weary and he said "Lean on Me."

I told him I needed a place to rest my feet and he said "Find rest in Me."

I told him I was worried about everything that seemed to be upside down in my life and he said "Find peace in Me."

I told him I was scared and he siad "Trust in me."

I told him I felt to weak to carry on and he said "Find your strength in Me."

I told him that I felt lost and he said "Follow Me."

I asked God what he wanted me to do and he said "Love Me."

"EPIC FAIL"

Ok, so I talk to people about myself problem daily hoping to get some sort of answer I haven't before. Yesterday, BINGO, it worked. People liked to be around be because I was confident and light hearted all the time. After this past spring, I fought for my dream that I strived to achieve for 5 years and lost, loosing myself as well. A few months have passed now and I'm backwards, though not completely from the person I used to be just yesterday it seems.

I started to think: What the heck happened and why am I like this.

That wasn't the only question I asked people (and when I say people I mean my close friends that know me and know how loosing this dream effected me) when I talked to them. Though it was always in some near form to try and get closer to an answer.

First week after I lost it: I knew what had happened but I had not excepted it.

First month: I accepted it and became bitter; hating everything that had to do with the world that I had created for the dream I had so suddenly lost. Not so much denial for the dream but denial for the hurt I was so desperately wanting to hide. My new phrase became "I don't care!"

Second month: I realized what I had become (or was quickly becoming) and finally broke down. I had already lost what I had let define me for so long and, because of ignoring the pain it was causing me, had rapidly started to alter who I was in the core of my personality. Upon my realization of this person I did not want to embody, I was able to save what was left of my tarnished traits that had for so long been what people would recognize me by: my positivity, my energy that was mostly depleted, and my confidence which was barley intact.

Third and forth month: So there I was a heap of random qualities and traits that had lost most connection with its person...leaving me to feel like a silhouette (a shadow of who I was if you will). Now I was a lost lamb with out a direction and sense of who she was. I felt empty and so tried to, again, ignore the void in my life (which is pretty hard to do if you only knew how much apart of my like that dream had been). I stuck with this life style for a short time because I had to face up to the facts sooner than later. Friends could only give me so much of there time to distract me and books would only remind me of how much of a life I didn't have. It was inevitable. "FINE!! I GET IT! I broken and need to be fixed BUT HOW when I have nothing?!?!?!" I all but shouted in my head when I gave in again. And answering my self, "start to live again dork. What do you like to do? what matters to you.? What makes up you now an what do you want to be apart of you?" That's when I finally understood. I had been seeing this all as a closed door when really it was a a path to a whole new door of MY CHOICE!

See, the dream was connected to everything that had been in my life until I lost it all. I'm a farm girl with parents who have always given me guidelines for how to live and how to act. I blindly followed the foot steps of my older sister, joined the FFA and was the best the chapter had to offer. My life was handed to me on a silver platter; I was doing what they had done and never really had to think for myself. It was easy for me to live this way though because I never argued much. Rather, a passion for what I was in was born in me from a young age and so I really saw nothing else but what my family did. So, as for the most prestigious thing that I could think up for my self was becoming a State officer at the end of my Senior year. So I prepared daily for what I thought was to come, because of course, I was the prodical FFA member that everyone knew. HA, boy was I wrong. Yes I was good enough to be a State Officer, but others were better so I lost.

It wasn't until this time that I finally realized that I had missed out on many things that teenage life has to offer like band, playing sports, color guard, and so much more. I limited my self and gave everything I had (literally: time, energy, focus) to being one of the top FFA members there was. Make sense now why I went through what I did after I lost that dream? Yeah...that s what I thought.

So, here I am a college freshman just trying to figure out who I am and what I'm gonna do with my life like all the rest of my fellow class.

But, like every other "tragedy" that has happened in my life, the end result is a stronger, more stable person...though the out come really isn't finalized on this one yet. I know that God is getting me to the next stage in my life and though its a journey I would rather avoid, I know that i have to travel it to be the person that he wants me to be when he gets me there.

Yestersday: I was able to put into words why I had been feeling the way I had because of my best friends and there willingness to listen to me go on and on about myself (as I am here..sorry). I lost my confidence because I'm not confident in who I am anymore. So once I become a complete person again, my confidence will be restored in myself and all will be right with the world...as far as internal battles for anyway.

In everything you do and in every thing that happens (such as an EPIC FAIL) praise, thanks, and always turn to God. He knows what he is doing. It was only when I turned to him that things started to come together again.