Midnight Coffee Break

Its one of those rare nights where I sit here in my room and ponder and reflect on my life. Things in my head right now, the evening that I just experienced on this eve of Homecoming, the past two week of my school and spiritual life, and the voice that I have in head...the one that narrates everything I do. Nights like these are rare only because I don't find myself alone like this. Thing is, I like the alone time every now and then. God and I sit and have a cup of coffee if you will and discuss things (mental image mostly for my own benefit).

So, as I mentioned, there was an eventful evening that just took place. At 5pm, I had planned to buy dinner for a few friends that were not having a good week. Just playing the good friend role. Next, what campus calls Walk-Around, I attended with a few UC friends. I love seeing people and running to hug a familiar face so I had a blast, minus the fact that I was a little self conscious about some things. Anyhow, when we had finished sight seeing, there were plans to watch the Proposal...which got moved to my place. I'll just say that watching a movie with Kylor, is entertaining for the most part. After the movie ends, everyone was making there way out the door when Juno, my -awesome- dog, high tails it out the door. The guys freak out and won't listen to me when I say that he will come back so I chase them as they chase Juno. Long story short, as soon as they give up, Juno walks up to the door and comes in on his own accord. As I said, -awesome- dog!

Anyhow, following my wisdom teeth surgery two weeks ago, there was a lot of barrier breaking. Meaning that I lit the fire under my rear and got through a week of three tests, papers, and more tedious homework. I felt quite accomplished, least to say. But...then I went and hung out with some friends and realized that I wasn't all that focused in the right area. Thanks to a great Fall UC retreat, God showed himself to me in a completely different light. And even more so during the week as he reminds me of the three weeks spent in Japan. Mikyo e-mailed me

"Good morning Kalin. How are you this morning? You asked me this question when I took your lesson. Do you remember that? I didn't mind morning before you question. But now, I feel happy every morning. Thank you for telling me that the morning is wonderful."

I read this and my jaw dropped. I'm a female so of course I got teary-eyed and all emotional. How could I not? I'm thinking to myself: So you mean to tell me that because I read with Miyko, and asked her this question a few times, she wakes up every morning and is happy?? God, you did that all from a question? What more have you done in these people's hearts that I don't know of from us being in Japan? What are you doing with the other words that I speak to people now?...what is Satan doing with them? I'm in awe of what He can do.

Concerning the voice in my head, it keeps bringing up the subject of inadequacy and other troubling thought and the different ideas of major options but mostly my love for Agriculture. I'm my own worst critic and analyze everything that everyone does till people start to do thing in my head that they never did in reality. This creates some confusion due to the fact that people act against the ways that I have constructed for them in my head. I don't know how to act when this happens. So I construct something else....which is something we just talked about in my Sociology class called Social Interaction Theory. Good stuff. I mentioned the inadequacy thought because I know why this is in my head. Ready for it? Its because I can't READ MINDS...contrary to unpopular belief. So I have to take what I do to be the reason why other respond and act the way they do around me. Form this has come the lack of interaction that I've had socially lately. This all means one thing: I think to much!! HA!

A number of other things took place with this e-mail that kept me looking to God the past few weeks. A facebook message from the speaker at the retreat, things people have said in passing, the fact that life continues when others don't (Roo loosing her calf), family taking care of family and so on. In my head, I keep evaluating all the different situations. Then I end up blogging for an hour -__-...

Happy is the word that I would use to describe things right. I got a conversation that was long over due, off my heart. The fact that nothing is more important that God and Heaven has stopped me from worrying over classes more than I should. Oh and every time I turn over a new thought, my parents are standing right behind me. I'm on my own but they still keep me held So yeah.. Happy.

I will end this here and rest my head for the night.

Peace and fun times,
Aeriel