Loving Arms

:: Loving Arms::

"It was then that I carried me?" She asked...

"Yes my dear, it was then that I carried you. I saw your thoughts change. I felt your hand loosen and then saw you let go. My little girl trying to stand on her own. You know so little about what can happen when you walk by yourself and hit a rock and find your face in the dirt. Daughter, I have loved you since before anyone else knew you. I took my time making you strong and intelligent and compassionate. You are my precious one. As a Father, I took it upon myself to see you through all that was to come your way, taking the good and the bad, unconditionally loving you and seeing you as unmarred and untainted each morning. The way I see you shall never change.

Knowing that you had to learn this on your own, I stood here and waited for you to turn back and run into my arms. Though it saddens me every time I see you make a decision without using the knowledge I have taught you, my love for you will never be affected by the mistakes or successes that you have. I could never love you less. I could never love you more.

Sweet one, do you hear what I say to you?

You decided to try your hand at this without my wisdom. I stood by watching. You said the words I knew you would say but hoped you wouldn't. You fell apart as I anticipated to happen and I then walked over and kissed my baby girl's face as I picked you up to carry you away from the mess you were in. I held you tight when it hurt the most. sitting down with you in my arms, rocking you to peace as you told me all about what I already knew.

Daughter, I forgive you. Love, I forgave you long before this happened. Angel, I have forgotten what it was you ever did to make you feel this way.

What is it that I can do for you? Please tell me. When do you want me to act? How do you want things done? Who do I take care of for you until you heal enough to walk by my side again. Shh. Don't answer because I actually already knew. I was there, remember? Let me love you and hold you until you understand how much you mean to me. Understand my dear one, that I will do things how I see fit but whatever I do, I do for the benefit of you, for other's, and for myself. Giving a balance back to what was lost.

When you decide to do this again, if you decide to do this again, know that I am your Father and a Father who loves his children shows them discipline to strengthen their spirits. Not to punish you out of resentment. I am capable of anger, wrath even, but I am the true definition of love. Know one will ever have a greater understanding of who you are, of what you are capable of, of how things affect you. Not even yourself.

Holding you now, I have you close so listen well. Guard your heart. Think twice, no three times before you make a decision without consulting me. Love those around you. Show them the love that I have always shown you. Give without expecting anything back because I will always make sure you don't go without. And trust in all the directions I give you.

Now, in this moment, I give you a band aid to help heal an protect that which hurts right now. I give you the love that was always yours. I give you my word and within my word, you will find all that you need to live a life where I am always right beside you or rather just a call away. Have faith in me for I have faith in you and carry that faith with you always.

To a Father, a baby girl will grow up, but will always remain his baby girl of whom he raised and will always look out for. I will catch you when you fall again. Dearest, I will carry you then, again, like I carry you now.

Broken hearted or scorned, shamed or helpless, weak or meek, lonely or sad, depressed or afraid, in all situations you will know the warmth of my arms.

My beloved, yes, it was in that moment that I carry you."

********

Prayer is a special thing. A way of finding healing, peace, understanding, grace, joy, and rest amongst a number of other things. When I take part in prayer, there are the rare and special times I fell and know that my Father is meeting me where I am at and placing his arms around me. He knows what I have come to tell him and he know what I need help with. A wonderful feeling if there ever was one. I lean on His unending love now like its all I've got and in big way, that's true because when this world is no more, His love will always remain. I thank my Father for His love that has been the cause for his to give me so much. I'll end with that thought.

<3>

The Stop Light

Red. Yellow. Green

Red holds the power to be a great leader. Followers stop at its presence, out of respect. Even though here are a few that wish to show no honor to the red light, it in turn does nothing for punishment (thought here are others that will bring the punishment in the name of red light).

Yellow feels like a girl that is only wanted for her looks, not her brains. She knows how to take things slow and advises others to do so. She fears that most of the time her advice goes unheeded and that others only slow down to watch her make way for Red. There are the few that speed past her out of shyness. She knows how beautiful she is and that some do not wait for her out of fear.

Green is the unappreciated friend that sees all that the world holds but has no way of sharing its wisdom with the rest of humanity. We rush past Green with no intention of respect or admiration. Even after all the years of passer-bys, Green still seems to hold an air of optimism as he continues his job with out fail, allowing Yellow to maintain her place above him and Red to continue his hearty reign.

Left-Right Game

There is a game that was created for times in Stillwater when there is nothing left to do but drive around. The goal of the game is to get lost or stumble upon something new and interesting by taking impulse left and right turns down the back roads of the town. Last year during Christmas break, Erin and I went off to do just that (only after discovering that all the pool tables in town were occupied). A good 10 minute game brought us to one of the lakes west of town. Even though it was 10:30 something and right at freezing, we decided to park at a doc and and explore our surroundings. The result was a two minute walk to the end of the dock and back before we were chilled through our coats. No imagination left, we climbed back in to Erin's "Beast" and decided to head home.

Climax of the story: The gravel lot that we had parked in had four sides: the dock in front of us, forest-like trees on either side of the dock, and the road behind us. Backing out of the 20x20 yard lot, the truck's lights slowly flashed across the passenger side of the lot to get the truck facing the road again. With nothing else to look at but the lights in the black-as-pitch scenery, I watched the lights move across the trees, seeing something that shouldn't have been there. Frantic, I requested that Erin run the truck back to the trees because I wanted to know what I had seen. She did so and we were faced with four men, looking to be in their 20's, standing about 15-20 feet from where we had been parked. Reminder: we are out in the middle of nowhere. for the longest 3-4 seconds of my life, we evaluated what was before us and unanimously stated that it was time to go. Gravel flew and we were back in Stillwater faster than you can say "Ol' Yeller's been shot".

Easy enough to say that it was the most thrilling part of the horribly long break. Erin and I were in agreement that if we had stayed 20 seconds more, another story would have been told or maybe not even a story we would have been around to tell. I was left with frightened tears and a whirlwind of thoughts. How many more times have we all avoided danger not knowing it? More than I should probably be aware of. Was it God's hand that moved us out of harms way? Yes. Stupid question.

The Left-Right games is what I've been doing with my life the past month. Close your eyes and make a turn here, then here, then here... Before I know it, I'm all turned around with questions of what to do now. Major options, career goals, life aspirations. I've been seeking council on them all from a number of unrelated people. And then all the advice runs together in my head and I'm left with a headache. Researching all options and hitting dead ends = more stress. Just trying to locate the answer that I desire has left me in the middle of a crossroads.

I know that there are things that are not being given to be right now because I couldn't handle them if I had them. For this I am thankful. I want to be stable spiritually before I enter into certain things (ie relationships, travel plans, life altering decisions). Burdens, some what. Just trying to remember to not to stress of them because as dad always quotes to me "All things work for the good for them that love the Lord." He's a wise man. My aunt gave me words of encouragement a few days ago that spurred a sense of peace in the place where all the stress had been residing. Also reminding me how precious family is...

I think its fairly simple goal of mine to raise a family in the church, have a career that can support me and mine, while livging in a not so big town/city with some animals for recreation. Three or four kids, grandparents that spoil the kids more than their parents, a pumpkin on the front porch in the fall, tree up for Christmas, Easter baskets in the spring.

"And its good to be unsatisfied. It keeps the faith and hope a little more alive." -Last Amen by Down Here

A young lady in my life group reminded me that God answers prayers and that "no" is indeed an answer. The direction of life may not be known but the journey will continue with hope and the truth that His hand, ear, and love is never far. So rather than playing this game of mine and putting myself in harm's way, here's trying my best at living only for him so everything else falls into place.

In Him (rather than out there),
-Aeriel <3

Rgr!! Which means Roger?

These days are now the days of November. In which there is good food and the promise of a semester end approaching.

First note of business: Phone calls

Since a certain friend of mine insists of calling more than texting, I've come to appreciate the importance of a voice over the phone once again. I'd rather call someone and talk for 5 or 10 minutes than text for 4 hours. Its more personal and thoughtful. Even though my parents text now, I still find myself calling my mom most everyday. She's mom after all. Everything goes through her for consideration and opinion.

Second note of business: Priority

As the week rolled on, there was no time to do anything but homework or tiptoe around homework and studying. Work, class, and church was all I could do with the time that God had put in my day. Not to say that is a bad thing but there was not even a free moment to pull out the guitar and practice. What I will dub as the bad part is that I don't even fill I got anything accomplished. Sad was the day that I mentally cried over my week because it seemed that nothing credible had been done.

Its even Monday morning of the next week and I'm updating my blog rather than preparing for my presentation later today. Go figure.

Third note of business: Revelation!

Leading a life group with Erin has showed me much about responsibility, reliability, and servitude. Its a job but a blessing all in the same to host these girls this semester. Each week, we call them to remind them and check up them. They make one feel like you're actually doing something good by coming together to talk about the Lord and how to serve. My revelation would be that no matter what I do, God's plan will continue on its way. Not that I'm trying to alter it. I'm trying to do everything on my own but His plan comes and puts me where he wants me regardless. With these girls in life group. The family at the UC. My family in Japan etc.



This weekend was a good one. Especially Sunday. All day in the house by myself to clean, watch a movie and attempt to study. Peaceful. Happy. Good.

Later days
Aeriel~

Midnight Coffee Break

Its one of those rare nights where I sit here in my room and ponder and reflect on my life. Things in my head right now, the evening that I just experienced on this eve of Homecoming, the past two week of my school and spiritual life, and the voice that I have in head...the one that narrates everything I do. Nights like these are rare only because I don't find myself alone like this. Thing is, I like the alone time every now and then. God and I sit and have a cup of coffee if you will and discuss things (mental image mostly for my own benefit).

So, as I mentioned, there was an eventful evening that just took place. At 5pm, I had planned to buy dinner for a few friends that were not having a good week. Just playing the good friend role. Next, what campus calls Walk-Around, I attended with a few UC friends. I love seeing people and running to hug a familiar face so I had a blast, minus the fact that I was a little self conscious about some things. Anyhow, when we had finished sight seeing, there were plans to watch the Proposal...which got moved to my place. I'll just say that watching a movie with Kylor, is entertaining for the most part. After the movie ends, everyone was making there way out the door when Juno, my -awesome- dog, high tails it out the door. The guys freak out and won't listen to me when I say that he will come back so I chase them as they chase Juno. Long story short, as soon as they give up, Juno walks up to the door and comes in on his own accord. As I said, -awesome- dog!

Anyhow, following my wisdom teeth surgery two weeks ago, there was a lot of barrier breaking. Meaning that I lit the fire under my rear and got through a week of three tests, papers, and more tedious homework. I felt quite accomplished, least to say. But...then I went and hung out with some friends and realized that I wasn't all that focused in the right area. Thanks to a great Fall UC retreat, God showed himself to me in a completely different light. And even more so during the week as he reminds me of the three weeks spent in Japan. Mikyo e-mailed me

"Good morning Kalin. How are you this morning? You asked me this question when I took your lesson. Do you remember that? I didn't mind morning before you question. But now, I feel happy every morning. Thank you for telling me that the morning is wonderful."

I read this and my jaw dropped. I'm a female so of course I got teary-eyed and all emotional. How could I not? I'm thinking to myself: So you mean to tell me that because I read with Miyko, and asked her this question a few times, she wakes up every morning and is happy?? God, you did that all from a question? What more have you done in these people's hearts that I don't know of from us being in Japan? What are you doing with the other words that I speak to people now?...what is Satan doing with them? I'm in awe of what He can do.

Concerning the voice in my head, it keeps bringing up the subject of inadequacy and other troubling thought and the different ideas of major options but mostly my love for Agriculture. I'm my own worst critic and analyze everything that everyone does till people start to do thing in my head that they never did in reality. This creates some confusion due to the fact that people act against the ways that I have constructed for them in my head. I don't know how to act when this happens. So I construct something else....which is something we just talked about in my Sociology class called Social Interaction Theory. Good stuff. I mentioned the inadequacy thought because I know why this is in my head. Ready for it? Its because I can't READ MINDS...contrary to unpopular belief. So I have to take what I do to be the reason why other respond and act the way they do around me. Form this has come the lack of interaction that I've had socially lately. This all means one thing: I think to much!! HA!

A number of other things took place with this e-mail that kept me looking to God the past few weeks. A facebook message from the speaker at the retreat, things people have said in passing, the fact that life continues when others don't (Roo loosing her calf), family taking care of family and so on. In my head, I keep evaluating all the different situations. Then I end up blogging for an hour -__-...

Happy is the word that I would use to describe things right. I got a conversation that was long over due, off my heart. The fact that nothing is more important that God and Heaven has stopped me from worrying over classes more than I should. Oh and every time I turn over a new thought, my parents are standing right behind me. I'm on my own but they still keep me held So yeah.. Happy.

I will end this here and rest my head for the night.

Peace and fun times,
Aeriel

No, I don't have a cold.

**Started on Monday and finished Friday**

Its another Monday here on the wet campus. The sun is out, students are in class, and here I sit at work answering phones...

This past week, I had a head or many colors. From something near my natural color, to a -dark- brown-ish red, to just plain red because I stipped the dark brown, to the one I currently have: a medium brown with a bit of red. For once in my life though, I was able to say that I had red hair like the Little Mermiad that I was so lovingly named after. "Part of Your World" could have been the theme song of the day and I would have been ok with that.

This past weekend was indeed a fun one. On Saturday, three friends and I went to Tulsa for my first Anime con. This was long awaited for a few years. Getting up in the morning, I decided to wear my Yukata (summer kimono) which turned out to be an idea loved by most all the other anime nerds that were there. After making it out to Erin's to get another Yukata for Jeniffer, the Saturday gang (Will, Liz, Jeniffer, and myself) went to McDonalds for breakfast, and then back to the apartment to eat and get Jeniffer dresses, we were on our way.




We were doing great until we hit the detour from the construction on the interstate. Instead of just following the directions that we obtained from mapquest.com, we ended up about a mile out of the way on another stretch of interstate. Here, we stopped and discussed our options. At this point, I remembered that I had AT&T Navigation on my phone which turned out to save the day. After figuring where we were at, the information was put into the phone and we headed in a promising direction once again. Between the detour and the arrival at the convention center, there was a slight run together of two vehicles. Yes...meaning that there was a wreck. Will's car and anther ladies bumped bumpers and a hood was warped but no one was hurt.

We were a little cautious coming into the convention center, I will admit, but after we saw so awesome cos plays (costume plays - people dressing up as favorite characters), we let loose and enjoyed ourselves. Liz, who was dressed up as Spike from Cowboy Beebop, and Will who was just some awesome character from an anime I can't recall bold carried stage guns and got a lot of looks and compliments while Jeniffer and I were commented on the entire day at random.

So four hours pass and we've gone through all the vendors three times and watched an hour worth of amv's and more...its time to go. and lucky for us, its dinner time. Vote taken, we head to Olive Garden and enjoy a scrumptious meal before sleeping (at least Jeniffer and I anyhow) our way back to Stillwater.

Waking up the next morning, I went to church with my friend Teri and drove to the city to tour the omniplex for a few hours and eat out as well. All in all, it was a good weekend!

** Updated 9/25

Now the week has passed and its Friday morning. The highlight of the week would probably be the squirrel that took its time to talk to Juno and I on our morning walk, eating with my parents, and getting more Claritin so that it doesn't sound like I have a cold when I'm not the phone at work.

In just a few short hours, I will be leaving Stillwater to head to Fort Worth Texas for yet more LST training. I think by now, I'm use to the long road trips. At least its nothing compared to the 13 hour plane ride :)

God bless,

Aeriel <3

Lack of a Windshield Whipper

Back in the first week of school, when the rain always decided to grace Stillwater, my whipper motor ceased to do its duty of removing the rain from my windshield. Because of this, I have been driving around town with little to no vision of what it looks like outside. I have made it safely through but with out a clear view that comes from the assistance of the under appreciated whipper, driving has been a bit scary and, at times, kept me from driving to a needed destination.

This is to be said about life before this week as well. Actually, like up until Monday night. While walking though each day, the confusion has been so distracting, it was most like the windshield I have had to see though the past few weeks. And for the simple fact that my faith hasn't been as present in my mind because of all the stress, my whipper, or my Father, had a hard time helping me keep my path clear of temptation. It was frustrating to know that God was so close, yet I was far from him. Key word: was. Life has started to settle back down and the daze of the new semester is no more.

Last night, Wednesday night, after praise service and dinner at Braums, I took my skateboard and proceeded to practice in the parking lot with what my friend Nick had showed my earlier that day. After about an hour, I decided to try my luck on campus, noting that it was already about 10:30pm. So I boarded down to Library lawn and messed around there until it started to sprinkle. At this time, I made my way to the nearest computer lab to set out for a bit and rest. Which wasn't for long... I still needed sleep.

After numbing my brain with facebook and then more facebook, I decided I might meet up with my panda bear and rest my head. Out the door I stepped. Wishing I hadn't. It was pouring a flood in front of my previously dry sidewalk. So, with out a jacket nor, phone, or umbrella, I hoped back on the board and headed home only to stop half way under some cover to talk and listen to God. Least to say, I made it back home in time to get 8 hours of sleep.

Lessons learned:

-Only skate when there is decent weather about and its before 10pm.

-Ask and you shall receive and you will notice it if you remember what you asked for.

-Thunder makes a good companion to prayer.

-And momma always has the warmest arms and the best advice.

Heres to a blessed life and glory to Him,

Aeriel <3