2008: End

So I've reached this point in life/school year where I am constantly changing. Almost by the hour it seems. Faith and Life are duking it out with each other these past few weeks and each round either goes to one or the other or ends in a stalemate. I want to be as close to my father as I have been this past fall but the pleasures of this world are controlling my attention and actions. I am longing for the new year to kick in and for everyone to return home from the holidays and so I am chronically missing them as of late. Sort of lonely at times. I hate the evening because I sit at home and there is nothing for occupy my mountainous free time.

Time, I've realized, is a funny thing. It seperates good and bad as well as providing a bridge. It has moved me along to better days and has brought them to their end in past years. They say that the past is behind us and the future isn't promised, all we can be sure of is the gift of the day we currentl have. Thats why its called the present. Each day I am have lived has been a novel of its own, though some read more in depth than others. My yesterdays have many a lesson to be remembered and most seemed blurred together. My todays are sometimes seem irrelevant becuase I want to look to what is coming and so take them for granted. My future holds secrets that will only be revealed as I will myself toward another "today".

Today, as is December 29, 2008, I only existed in this world. I did almost nothing to better my future nor relfect on past months to better understand lessons taught to be by God himself. I simply let it slip through my fingers as something to be tossed away. Frankly, this bothers me. I don't want to simply exist, I want to be alive in the world and live. Maybe not have each day as something life altering but acomplish something great, if even in my mind alone it is so. To know that I am worth the air around me to breathe. My drive to get things done and self control over my actions has dwindled down and become rusty. Its as if I need something to shock them back into working order to continue this path toward adult hood.

My future, New Years Eve, a month from now, or 5 years down the road, all depend on what I do today and my today that is coming tomorrow. Will I finalize my career path by looking into different areas of study? Be present minded enough to stay on even the simplest of tasks? I pray to my heavenly father that I will. It time to put all of my training into action. Dust off the old skills and stand out rather than just standing up.

My older sister said something the other day that really only now makes sense: "You say that God has been giving you everything you need and more, but have you been putting it to use in order to follow through with the plan that he has for you?" She then followed with the story of a man that was sitting on his roof top during a flood waiting for God to rescue him. Three different chances came by to save him but he simply told him that he was waiting for God. He did not survive the flood. So when he arrived at the feet of God, he asked him, "Father, why did you not save me?" Then God replied, "Son, I tried. I sent a two boat, and a chopper. Why did you not take advantage of them?"

2008 has brought about a lot of change. I started this year as a high school student with a very child like mind and I am ending as a college freshman with a young adult mind that has come to understand quit a lot and almost nothing at all. There have been a number of me's this year. Each developed from a major change is life style or understanding or how the world works but nothing permantent. I am still KJ, but as to the complete person, that varies daily.

Back to my subject of time. My favorite conclusion of the year is this: We have time because God set the world in motion. It turns, leaving behind a past, devlivering today, and bringing the future. Nothing remains the same but everything is in constant change.

Even when we seem to have a perfect life, it always seems surreal to me. So in time, the world rotates a few times and brings the bad with it. In constant balance, good to bad and bad to good, in a never ending circle.

I am thankful for this year while being excited and scared for the next. I have a loving family, great friends, a good relationship, school, work, and my Father presently with me at all times. But I still stress over little things that seem pressing when they are smaller than I believe them to be. Still many lessons to learn. 2009, ready or not, here you come.

*End Rant